Posts tagged unicorn
Posts tagged unicorn
a.k.a. Reason #234,088 why I’m the best girlfriend in the world. ;)
So last month was mine and the Bunny’s birthdays. I wanted to do something really special for her, because she’s wonderful and deserves it. So I got to brainstormin’ a few months before the birthday (I like to plan ahead), and decided on something utterly ridiculous and completely perfect. I was going to take my Bun to see LLAMAS!
This isn’t as crazy or random as you would imagine. You see, the Bunny loves llamas. They’re her favorite animal. Llamas to the Bun are like unicorns to me.
I didn’t know she had a thing for llamas until she came to my house for the first time and saw, prominently displayed among my unicorns, my own llama:
She couldn’t believe her eyes! So right from the start, she was like, “Hmm…this girl. There’s something here.” ;)
We even took my little Llama on a day of adventures!
Anyway, fast forward many moons, and here I am, deciding that I shall take my boo to see real, live llamas! The only time she’s ever seen a llama in real life was when I took her to the circus, but it was in a big arena and there was only one llama, and it was a million miles away. She still freaked out as if the llama had asked her to tea. I remembered this moment, and how excited she was, and it spurred me on in my quest.
So I started my research. If you read my blog you know I work at Medieval Times. I started there, asking the horse trainers if they knew where I could find a llama. [I love how I can ask ridiculous questions, and no one blinks an eye.] Unfortunately, their leads and direction led to nothing. So I moved on to the Interwebz, where I found A LOT of information about llamas, llama organizations, llama and alpaca meet-ups, etc., but no llamas in the area. I ended up going through a llama directory (this is just so silly) until I found the Oakrest Llama Ranch in Sarasota, FL. I was thrilled! I mean, THIS was on their website:
SCORE! I knew this was the place! So I sent them an email, that went something like this:
My girlfriend loves llamas. Her birthday is coming up, so I wanted to take her to see llamas in real life. What kind of llama adventures do you offer, if any? And also how much does it cost to visit your llamas?
Even though this is not the most ridiculous email I’ve sent in my time, it’s definitely up there.
I was crestfallen when I didn’t hear anything back. So I called them, and left a paraphrased version of my email in a voicemail. Nothin’. I checked their website, and saw that their events page hadn’t been updated since April. I didn’t know if the Oakrest Llama Ranch even existed anymore! But I would not be put off the chase. When you’re given a mission by Gandalf, you take that ring all the way! (Eek, my nerd is showing.)
So I persisted and finally Kathy, the lovely woman who runs the ranch, picked up my call. She is an absolutely doll! We spoke on the phone for nearly 30 minutes. She had been in France, and when she returned several of her llamas were sick, so although she had my email and phone number on her to-do list, she had a few things that required more immediate attention. She apologized profusely, and told me how excited she was that I was doing something so wonderfully llama-related for the Bun’s bday.
Now, I’m expecting that we’ll just go to the ranch and look at llamas over a fence as they graze in the distance. But nay! Kathy told me that she had 24 llamas, and two baby llamas, and she’ll saddle them up and we can take the llamas on a mile-long walk and pet them and hug them and LOVE THEM and and and! Oh, Kathy the Dreamweaver!
We planned on the Sunday before the Bunny’s birthday for the visit. Kathy told me that llamas don’t sweat (and now YOU know!), so we couldn’t come visit them in the afternoon. So that left the morning and the evening. I was praying to the Starbucks gods that she wouldn’t say morning…[working at Rev the night before, then having to drive two hours to Sarasota to reach llamas…it would have been a narcoleptic nightmare!]…but thank Venti Jesus, she said, “How would 6 in the evening be for you?” Oh, Kathy, I love ya!
I was bursting with excitement. This was going to be the best day ever!
Now, I just had to keep it a secret.
You guys, it was really, really hard. After I spoke with Kathy and confirmed the llama adventure day, I immediately called the Bunny to tell her to not make plans for the Sunday before her birthday, and I pretty much hung up on her because I almost told her. Instead, I called my friend Jordan and started yelling, “LLAMAS!!!” just to get it out of my system.
The Bunny was ruthless in her endeavor to find out what I had planned. She kept asking if it was something to do with Spiderman, because she loves Spiderman. And then she kept asking if it had to do with llamas (!!), but that’s like me asking if you’re bringing my to see real, live unicorns: wishful thinking, but no actual conviction.
So the big day finally arrived! We drove down to Sarasota, the Bunny completely bewildered and still having absolutely no idea what was going on. It was raining, which meant I was freaking out the entire drive because I don’t know llamas’ weather preference and what if they wouldn’t come out and what if the whole plan was ruined?!
Kathy called me about 30 minutes before our ETA of 6, and reassured me that the weather wouldn’t ruin the day, unless we minded getting a bit wet. [I tried to not make that a lesbian innuendo in my head, but I can’t help it!] I told her we didn’t mind one bit.
Only hearing my side of the conversation, the Bunny was even more confused. MUAHAHAHAHAH!
We pulled up in front of Kathy’s home, and the Bunny was like, “Babe…um…do you know this person, or are we just at some random’s person house in the middle of nowhe…OH MY GOD LLAMAS!!!!!”
For you see, a llama or two came peaking around the corner of the house.
And so began the adventure! Kathy came out and took us around to the llama barn where we met our new llama friends.
The Bunny proceed to freak the fuck out.
So beautiful. haha
OMG Baby Bambi Llama!
OMG! Snowy white baby llama!
As Kathy introduced us to each llama in turn, we learned a little about each one, their personalities, and about llama-lore in general. The llamas are so gentle that she uses them as service animals, and takes them into nursing homes, schools, and churches.
In fact, the day before her llamas were working with special needs children. Even more in fact, we met this llama, who won the Hero Animal of the Year 2011 award for his work in nursing homes!
[He looks mighty majestic, doesn’t he?]
It was still raining, but now it was time for our promised walk with the llamas. We were each going to have our own llama to walk (hooray!). My llama was the lovely American Glory:
And then Kathy introduced the Bunny to her llama:
Guess what his name is! JUST GUESS!
No fuckin’ way. I couldn’t believe it. Remember how I said the Bun loved Spiderman and llamas? And now here she is, about to take a llama named Spiderman on a walk. BEST DAY OF HER LIFE!
Oh, no big deal. Just walking a llama and letting him eat some grass.
We took our llamas on a good 30-40 minute walk, and pretty much had the best time ever!
When we got back, we spent a few more minutes with llamas.
The Bunny getting photo-bombed by a llama. :)
And me, with Paintball Pete, who has a gimpy leg and who Kathy dresses up as a unicorn. No lie. He was obviously my favorite.
So there was something for everyone!
I have never seen the Bunny as happy as she was walking Spiderman the Llama. :)
I gave Kathy a large donation for Oakrest Llama Ranch, and I was told it would buy a lot of treats for the llamas.
Speaking of treats, the day wasn’t over yet!
My friend Jessie used to live in Sarasota and recommended the Columbia Restaurant, which is Florida’s oldest restaurant, with locations in Ybor City (the original), Sarasota, and a few other spots throughout Florida. It’s a bit pricey, but I wanted the day to be perfect, right down to the dinner.
So we went, and when we arrived, it looked totally slammed. The hostess at the front handed me a menu and told me that they only had a limited menu for the evening, and for me to look at the prices.
At first I thought she was trying to say that we looked poor and probably couldn’t afford the restaurant (Pretty Woman syndrome), but then she explained that it was their 107th Anniversary Celebration, where all prices were the same as when they opened in 1905. It was the ONE DAY out of the year that they have this celebration, and they were 15 minutes away from stopping taking customers. So we were sat pretty immediately, enjoyed a delicious and MASSIVE meal, with appetizer and entree, and stuffed ourselves silly.
Our bill came to $6.37. WHAT. THE. HELL.
I’m pretty sure the Universe has a crush on me.
And there you have it, folks! Llama adventures, a delicious dinner, and the tale of why I’m the best girlfriend in the world. :)
Oh, p.s. Remember how I said the Bunny had only seen ONE llama ever, and it was at the circus? Well, turns out that very llama came from the Oakrest Llama Ranch! Crazy, huh? Small (llama) world.
What a crazy few weeks! I’m another year older and can’t help but feel incredibly, unbelievably lucky. I know this life takes a lot [A LOT] of work, but I’m constantly reminded that my life is pretty badass and that the work is worth it. Untraditional doesn’t even begin to cover it, but this is the life I want. It’s the life I’ve worked my little booty off for, and the reality of it all is just too epic to have ever imagined.
I flew up to Knoxville the Wednesday before my birthday for the 2 year anniversary party for One 4 All Magazine. :)
[Sadly, the Bunny couldn’t go with me. Being the
soccer football star that she is, she had to travel with her team. Thursday, they flew to Memphis, ironically. Same state, but still six hours away. So I didn’t get to see her. Sad trombones! But it gets even more sad…I flew home on Friday (to an empty house [aside from kitties]), and on Saturday [on my birthday] she traveled from Tennessee to Alabama to prepare for another match. Then Sunday (the Bunny’s birthday! [yep, her birthday is the day after mine]), they played the match and then traveled home late that night. This was the SECOND year in a row where we’ve missed each others’ birthdays. :( She got to the airport in Orlando an hour before her birthday ended. I brought her flowers and a birthday cake pop from Starbucks (naturally), and when she opened the trunk of my car to put her luggage in, there were (Spiderman) balloons! Wee! Party!]
Anyway, rewind! Back to Wednesday. We’re in Knoxville. It’s the One 4 All Magazine anniversary party. I was the only bio girl asked to perform, so of course I felt honored (and kept my fingers crossed some Tennessee lesbians would be out in force that night)!
The other entertainers were a group of truly incredible Queens, who deserve the capital Q.
There was the ever-insane Vanity Love:
The flawless Barbie doll and southern belle, Miss Deception:
The blonde bombshell and local nearly-naked nutcase Xena:
And the legend herself, Monica Munro!
(She needed something red for her hair, so I whipped off my pasties and she actually wore my pasties as hair pieces! hahaha awesome) [I wrote about this legend HERE, so if you want to know about the time I thought she was going to claw my eyes out…clicky click!]
The whole night was for these two guys, Matt & Drew (< the man behind the magazine):
Love them so much!!
Anyway, so the night started out like this:
And ended up like this:
And in between we had one helluva show! The audience was great (I <3 Tennessee girls!), and I really enjoyed my night. I was the only sober one in attendance by the end of the evening, as always, so also the only viable witness to the madness. You see, I love people watching. And what better way to people watch than to be the only sober gal surrounded by drunk trannies, gay boys and gay girls? It’s a riot. ;)
The next morning, everyone crawled out of their caves at Matt & Drew’s, looking like death warmed over. That is, everyone except Deception, who came downstairs looking like the Toddlers & Tiaras love child of Tinkerbell and a Stepford wife.
I told her I needed to learn how to be a girl from her. hah
The house cleared out as Monica and Deception hit the road for home, and then I did what I did the first time I stayed with Matt & Drew: NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! I sat on my ass ALL DAY LONG and watched Roseann and Family Guy marathons and ate food and hung out with the boys. All. Day. Long. It was spectacular and a much-needed hibernation.
The next day I flew home, unpacked, repacked, and went off to the Cold Keg in Melbourne for the Aftermidnite’s Twisted Circus Show!
I was a strongman:
[Thanks, Maia, for these shots!]
And then, at midnight, I turned another year older, dressed as a burlesque circus elephant.
Birthday spankings from Spikey! Eek!
This is my life. So weird. So awesome.
Saturday was my actual birthday, and seeing that the Bunny was still out of town (sad face), I spent the day drinking tea and hanging with my kitties, catching up on everything I put off the past week. Then my dear friends Jordan and Kacee took me out to a sushi dinner (nom!).
And then it was off to my big birthday bash at Revolution!
When I got to Revolution, I was shocked. My friends are amazing! They showed up at Revolution
hours early to decorate THE ENTIRE club, the dressing room, and to set up a major surprise.
So right off the bat, I was grinning like an idiot!
And then it was showtime!
Ana Mosity did an EPIC Madonna mash-up, looking like the queen herself.
And then I had SO MUCH FUN performing my mix. SexyClassicDubstep, BAM!
After my number, Ana Mosity, a.k.a. Franki Markstone, a.k.a. My amazing sister vixen, had the club do a
blackout, and when the lights came on, more than half the audience had become UNICORNS! Including me!
It was a sea of sparkly unicorns! A unicorn army!
Oh, wait, it’s not over yet!
I got the most epic birthday lapdance of the CENTURY! My Vixens were there, plus Teddy D & Gabe, Franki’s husband. DAMN.
I am one lucky woman!
Thank you so much to everyone who came out to have a boogie for my birthday! A huge, massive, unicorn-army-sized THANK YOU to my sister Vixen and platonic life partner Franki Markstone for all her work to make my birthday so special!! Also, thank you Thee Amanda Biebs for working your ass off to help decorate Rev and for going above & beyond! And Melody Maia Monet for capturing the crazytown night of my birthday on camera. Thanks to Tia Kadena & Evie Fuentes for making me blush ;) and for being such gorgeous, amazing women on Team Vixen!
I had the best birthday bash in the history of EVER! Dancing the night away…it’s the best way to kick off a new year.
…among other things. ;)
Well, you guys remember THIS POST, about how I grin like an idiot at other gay or gay-appearing people, to the point where it freaks out everyone involved?
Well, this past Saturday I was at Starbucks with my bestie, J. She was down from NYC to visit with me and to quit being MIA from my life.
Anyway, so we’re just chilling and chatting - J looking like a hipster lesbian from NYC [naturally] and me looking like a nerd with no makeup on and my green tea.
I spot a table of semi-sporty lesbonitas across the Starbucks, and give ‘em the eye a few times. You know, the “I see you over there. I see you being all sporty and cute and gay” eye that means business. And because they were in my neck of the woods, there was a possibility I knew them from Rev or some other gay thing, but I just wasn’t sure. [because sometimes lesbians look the same...]
So then I got nervous. Like, if I DO know them, but don’t say hi or smile, are they going to think I’m a bitch? But if I DON’T know them, then I’m going to make this entire group of ladylovers talk about that weird girl in Starbucks who waved at them like we’re besties.
What’s a girl to do?! Well, I was too late in starting that debate in my head because the girls got up to leave and I had yet to reach a conclusion. As they walked past, I made eye contact with one of the gayelles and she smiled. Instead of smiling back like a normal person, I gave her some weird, cracked out grimace before turning red and looking away. BECAUSE I HAVE NO GAME, PEOPLE. Not that I was trying for game [I only attempt that with the Bunny…and it still fails miserably], but I at least wanted to NOT look like a stroke victim. Fail.
Anywayyyyy, I couldn’t think too much on it because I had to go get ready for an insane night at Rev! It was our door girl Leann’s and Amanda a.k.a. the Beeb’s birthday celebrations, plus the XXX Party [whatever that means…something about a new drink or alcohol or something or other that Rev was promoting so they came up with a random party idea and ran with it…], so I had a feeling the night would be crazy.
Oh, that and I decided to perform to a mix of NIN “Closer” into Ginuine’s “Pony” [90s slow jamz!] and ride out on this:
I’m not even joking. That totally happened.
So I start hosting the show…
And people are going crazy…
I bring on my first Vixen, and then my second, and then start my number. Not even 10 seconds into it this girl steps on stage and starts RAINING MONEY DOWN ON ME.
[Banksy helped me count it later…]
I’m talking, just a wad of dollars that she’s just throwing in the air around me. The stage was littered with dollars within moments, and I couldn’t even finish my number because, well, there was a girl on stage throwing money at me. I wasn’t going to dance away from her because I’m not a total idiot.
But I still had to pull Leann up on stage for some birthday lovin’ and somehow ride around on a unicorn while there’s just money everywhere.
And all I can think is, “Is this real life?!”
After the show, things are still out of control crazy and the group of girls to whom the money machine belonged to called me over to chat for a second. Apparently, that lovely lady lives in Vegas, and came to Orlando TWO YEARS ago and saw me perform once, and just had to come back and see me again. CRAZY!
But what’s more crazy is that they then said…
“We totally saw you at Starbucks today!”
Awkward times in my life, you guys.
So that was my Saturday. I hope yours was as utterly unpredictable and amazing as mine, with maybe a little more game and a little less awkward. ;)
Lots ‘o love [and random pictures of cats!]!
Walking barefoot in my house is dangerous. I’ve stepped on about 16 rhinestones just this morning. And this is what I get when I sweep: glitter, rhinestones, sequins, feathers, a zipper, $dollar bills$ and a unicorn [of course].
At least I make a pretty mess. ;)