Posts tagged medieval times

Preteen Eveleena. Verging on puberty. Awkward as hell. Glitter-loving tomboy girlchild from a broken home. Messy and running with a rough crowd. [confession time: In 4th grade, this girl named Erica peer-pressured me into stealing. I stole a Hello Kitty 4x4inch little pillow from this other girl’s house. I went home and cried my eyes out and then called the girl’s mom and confessed to everything, before walking my ass back to her house {the not-sexy-time kind of walk of shame} and returning the (completely insignificant, never-would-have-been-missed-if-I-hadn’t-tattled-on-myself) pillow.]

I climbed trees, tried to adopt every single stray animal that I came across [possums are people, too!], and split my time between playing pretend and being a huge nerd [a.k.a. teacher’s pet, a.k.a. the early signs of lesbianism…].  

 Did I mention I was awkward as hell?

Okay, so you’ve got the visual. Luckily, my parents saw that I was - real talk here - totally lacking grace and sophistication and anticipated that puberty would probably be hard on me. To help counteract the tempest of hormonal suffering I was about to undergo, they gave me the greatest book ever:  the “What’s Happening to My Body? Book For Girls.” 

You guys, this thing was THE JAM. They’ve updated it over the years, but I still have my original copy. It covered everything, from periods to having feelings for other girls [so progressive!]. I wore that shit out!

You see, while my parents were incredible people, and were always there for me [even though they were people, too, and going through their own tumults], reading about all the awful things that were about to happen to me was VASTLY preferred over asking my dad. 

So by the time I actually did get my period, I didn’t think I was dying [just that there were dead babies coming out of me every month]. Every time I woke up with something new [what the fuck is this?!], I’d just flip through my book/bible {ah, let’s see. Chapter 6, article 7b. Oooooh. Hm. Well, then. So THAT’S what that is.} When I went from a size 0 to a size 7 in a matter of months [hello, birthing hips!], I understood it was the circle of life. When I finally got boobs…oh. wait. Still waiting on that one. [hrmph!] When random hair started growing in places that I was NOT happy about, I knew what to do. 

And when I started being curious about S-E-X, I learned [way more than I wanted to]. Even back then, the line drawings of male bodies kinda, sorta grossed me out. ESPECIALLY when they were drawn having sex, with all their anatomically-correct parts being all erect. [ew!] 

I read ALL ABOUT what sex entailed with boys. And I thanked my lucky stars I was only twelve and wouldn’t have to start doing that for a long, long time. Little did I know it would be NEVER. [muahahah! win!] I seriously even considered pulling the whole, “I’m waiting till marriage!” bullshit, just so I wouldn’t have to. 

::cough:: GAY ::cough::

Looking back, there were SO many signs of my impending lesbianism. And thankfully, that book gave me options [I LOVE options!] and covered homosexuality {as a completely viable route as far as sexual orientation went}.  

It was appreciated, especially down the line when my lady-parts were stirred by another lady. Not saying I rushed to dig out that old book at 18 years old when I first met Brittany, but not saying I didn’t, either.  

[side-note: I was thinking about one day writing a book to help girls when they realize they’re gay, or might be, or what are these feelings?! omg!, and to give them guidance and my advice for coming out. Your thoughts?]

Anyway, so that book got me through [most of] the awkward years [you’d think at 26 I’d be past that shit by now!] and help me blossom into the confident, body-aware, sexuality-aware, lesbian ugly-duckling-turned-vixen/still a huge nerd that you see before you today.

Speaking of! 

Vixenhood has been gloriousness lately.

[Man, that mirror is dirty!  I bet Consuela would tear that shit up with some Lemon Pledge.] 

Revolution has been wild, as usual. It was Tia Kadena’s birthday bash at Rev a couple weeks ago, and, as expected, it was filled with some serious wantonness with a pinch of utter indecency, a dash of depravity and a generous helping of lesbian merrymaking! 

I approve this message. 

And Frankie [a.k.a. Ana Mosity] and I keep showing up wearing the same thing. After years of working together, I guess it happens, but com’on now. 

In other news, I had my debut show as an official cast member of Big Bang Boom! Cabaret. That’s right, it’s Facebook official, which clearly means it’s legit. 

We had our “Iconic Women in History” show, and I called Joan of Arc [one history’s most famous “rumored” lesbonitas. Naturally]. 

I was super stoked to make my costume, and my boys were equally excited. 

But really, why do they not understand that my costume stuff, which looks EXACTLY like all their toys, are not toys?! Try sewing yards of fringe when your cats sneak attack you at your sewing machine and haul ass around the house, fringe flying from their furry little faces. It’s hard as fuck.

But I ended up finishing my costume:

And I found THE PERFECT SONG. I’d been looking forward to this show for a month now, and it was totally epic! 

All the girls KILLED IT. I was as excited to watch the other girls perform as I was to get on stage myself. And they did not disappoint. I wanted to make it rain for each and every one of them. Titillating! 

Spot the lesbian! 

Speaking of lesbian, funny story. So I’m the princess at Medieval Times, if you didn’t know that already. Hi. 

And we get lots of people coming to see the show from all around the world. Right now, we’re getting lots of groups on senior class trips. They’re always from like, Podunk, Iowa or from All White People, Indiana with only 20 kids total in their entire graduating class.

Anyway! A few days ago we had one such group come to the show. And there was a girl who was CLEARLY a lesbian. I thought to myself, “If I was from Podunk, Iowa, and I end up going to the big city of Orlando, and to Medieval Times, and the PRINCESS is a lesbian, it would make my life.” So I employed some tactics to convey to this lonely little lesbian that I, too, am a gay’mo. Extended eye contact when they came up to take pictures. A wink. Arm around her. Side smile. Etc. After the show, her group came up to get autographs, and I heard the little lesbian whispering to her friends, “No, I swear she is! I really think she is!” 

A random hot Russian chick [not from the high school] came up to take a picture with me, and after the picture, I made the sign of the cross, and little lesbian goes, “SEE!? SEE?!” 

And then, of course, she comes up to get an autograph and all her friends are watching, with baited breath. I totally start chatting her up, and she was all doe-eyed and gazing adoringly at me.

It was awesome.  hahahah

When I haven’t been on stages or in castles, breaking little lesbian hearts, I’ve been having sweet, sweet cuddle sessions with the only boys I’ll ever spoon: 

And visiting ancient tress and pretending I’m from Fern Gully: 

Oh, and I’ve been falling in love.  Unlooked for, unpredicted, and unexpected [but isn’t that the best?].  I was not anticipating meeting someone after my last relationship ended. I thought I was just going to spend my time working, hanging out with friends and cats, and maybe going on some dates here and there. Oh, and lots and lots of masturbation. 

But then I had coffee with a girl who is friends with some of my friends, and afterward I thought to myself, “Oh, shit. This could be trouble.”

You know, that really good kind of trouble where your hormones go crazy, your dopamine levels freak the fuck out, and you want to go buy all new underwear. 

Ahem.

I thought to myself, “Be careful, little lady…remember what happened last time??”

But then I thought, “But life is too short! Why not?! Why shouldn’t I take a risk again?”

But then I thought, “But what if things go to shit??”

And then I thought, “So what if things go to shit? That’s life! And maybe I’ll get some good sex out of it!”

And then I thought, “Hm. Good point.”

And then I thought, “I know, right? See where I’m coming from?”

And I thought, “Yeah, yeah. You’re making a good case for yourself. Life IS too short. Gotta take those reins and ride it.”

“Exactly!”

“And she treats you really well…and every time you hang out with her, things just get more and more awesome…”

“I know! That’s what I’m saying!”

“So…are we gonna go for it?”

“Let’s do this.”

“Hey, are we schizophrenic?” 

“It’s looking like maybe, yeah.”

But anyway! For better or for worse, what ended up happening was that I decided to go for it. 

So…wanna meet her??

Her name is Kiley.    

She’s a forensic underwriter data analyst. [smarty pants!]

And an artist. 

She’s wicked funny, has her shit together, and is totally adorable.

She’s a HUGE lesbian. [yeahhhhh, kind of a requirement for me now…] 

And clearly foxy as fuck.

And she has a cat, Lucifur!

She treats me extraordinarily well.

And makes me feel more like myself than anyone else has in a long, long time. 

You guys, I REALLY like her. 

 I’ll leave the U-haul and turkey baster for all you other crazy lezzies out there, because while I’m a romantic, I’m also a realist. But wherever this goes or does not go, I sure am enjoying every moment. Life is too short to waste time on “what if’s”. 

So, my loves…

I know I am!

Till next time! 

xx

How are your resolutions going? I hope you’re kicking ass & taking names. ;)

2013 so far has been a roller coaster of epic proportions.

The start of a new year holds so much promise…but it’s also the perfect time to reevaluate things in your life. What are you happy with? What do you not like? What can you change? How are you going to go about changing things?

For me, the year started off with some huge moments of indecision and holy shit’s and what to do now’s and whoa’s and for real?!s and all kinds of other fluff.

I took a few days off[ish] to recenter myself and to connect with my totem animal [obviously, a unicorn] and I’m feeling recharged and sparkly once again! [And also, my friends came to the rescue big time, like the super heroes they are!]

Shake-ups in life can end up leading to eating your weight in ice cream and never leaving your bed OR it can lead to amazing restructuring and massive tweaks to life that make it twelve thousand times more beautiful. [the key is to CHOOSE the latter.]

So that’s what I’m doing! And it’s working out splendidly. :) Plus, I got my planner refills…phew!

Ahhh, all is right in the world again!

Now, want a peek into what fills up that agenda?

Well, let’s see…there’s been hot yoga with Mollie:

Taking long walks [glorious weather!], drinking tea & writing at Starbucks, and listening to audio books. ::cough:: NERD ::cough::

Princessing: [and if you’ll notice in the above photo, that damn pinky-up! The princess never leaves me!]

Go-go dancing with crazy lion hair [rawr] {& playing laser tag - pew!pew!}:

{Thanks, Maia, for capturing me & my shenanigans!! [and also, for letting me do laundry at your house. Not having a washer & dryer sucks, especially when you have two separate wardrobes for yourself & your alter ego. ;)}

But I have wonderful friends who save me from laundromats!]

[Isn’t she adorable?! {& single, ladies!}]

So in addition to laundry, I’ve been traveling and doing TONS of shows.

Like in Jacksonville at InCahoots, where I got made fun of by drag queens for my awesome lesbian shirt [cats + boobs!]:

And performed for the masses of ‘mos & ‘bos:

Saturday I had a teaser show at NV for our upcoming February 7th Les Vixens debut:

It was a blast!

After the teaser show, I ran to Revolution for another show!!

And to go-go all night long. Saturday nights are the jam! [and it’s where all the girls go. ;)]

Sunday, all my agenda said was:

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS & ISLANDS OF ADVENTURE
WITH JORDAN, KACEE, & THE BUNNY!!!

Which was exactly what happened and it was magical. :) {Plus I got Dip ‘n Dots! NOM!} [Thanks again, Shay, for the tickets!]

So from shake-ups to showtimes, 2013 has been a [sometimes literal] roller coaster. Good thing I really love roller coasters! ;)

Hope your 2013 has been smooth sailing, sweethearts!

::crosses Write Blog Post off my To-Do list in my planner::

::feels productive::

::goes back to watching a Dexter marathon & eating dark chocolate::

xx

September is a FANTASTIC month, because it kicks off the snowball of awesomeness that is The Holidays!

September My Birthday; October Halloween; November Thanksgiving; December Christmas and New Year’s Eve; January Ben Franklin & Martin Luther King Jr’s Bodacious Bdays; February Valentine’s Day….It’s the most glorious half of the year! Weeeee!

But September is also always a dizzyingly busy month for me, and this one is looking like it’s going to follow suit with its predecessors.

I mean, it’s my birthday AND the Bunny’s birthday, my bestie’s bridal shower, my daddio and my stepmama are coming to visit [TODAY! and holy sh*t, they’re going to meet the Bunny! ::cue dramatic music::], Dexter returns (!), I have a ton of gigs and shows plus writing work and princessing to do, and and and and….! It’s going to be a good month. :)

It’s only been a few days into the month and I’ve already gone rock climbing with SS:

Done a little shimmy-shakin’ burlesque:

[thanks, Maia, for the photos! <3]

Hung out with some dapper gentlemen:

Spent an entire day off with my love:

Swoon. <3

Went to the Medieval Times End of Summer BBQ:

Obviously, I sat at the Cool Kids’ table. ;)

Worked on costumes:

And it hasn’t even been a week yet! Wee!

\

Busy, busy!

But anyway, I think September should start fall weather, don’t you? It’s my favorite kind of weather. Even though I live in Florida and it doesn’t start to feel like fall weather until, oh, November, I still get really romantic about “the idea” of fall weather. I want to start wearing scarves and drinking/eating everything infused with pumpkin & spice, cuddling up in front of the fire and sipping hot chocolate with my love, taking long walks in the crisp weather with clear night skies and wear lots of layers.

Instead, I’m still sweating my ass off when I walk to Starbucks wearing cut-off shorts and a tank top, where I drink an iced green tea that is dripping sweat itself, and the reality of wearing a scarf means I’ll have to stay indoors with the AC on full blast if I’m going to escape heat stroke.

But that’s okay! Because September at least starts cooler weather…at night. Or some nights. Not tonight. It’s still muggy as hell-o. [I kinda lost my point here.] But cool weather is on the horizon! It’s a’ coming, people!

Now I’m off to watch The Shining and cat-sit SS’s kitties. :)

Hope your September is treating you like a darling, darlings!

x x

M’lords, m’ladies, this princess has been busy. What, between handling my arsenal of wenches to training for the new show, it’s been a busy season here at the castle.

In this post, Nerdy Sexy Medieval Times + Kittens and Friends, [click it if you missed it!] I shared with you a little history of my reign as princess, and the royal variations I’ve been. I last left you with some details about the fact that we are putting in a new show at the castle, and I’ve been learning new lines and training for the new show.

I love putting in new shows. It always takes me back to when I first started working at Medieval. Coming in for rehearsals, in normal, non-Medieval clothes, hanging out with the boys, sitting up on the dais throne and playing around while waiting for the corporate show director to finish yelling at the knights, the empty arena with no guests to smile at for hours, and being able to play with my phone. ;)

King Dave! My diary, best friend, and one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met [even though he would disagree with me on that or tell me I need to get out more].

Kyle! He’s great. Read all about how great he is HERE. 

Tim! Castle lady killer and royal flirt. Also apparently the #1 hater of the fact that I’m gay. Muahahahaaa!

Kevin! KTL, as I like to call him from his ghetto days. He’s from the New Jersey castle, but we stole him and we’re never, ever giving him back because he’s one of the best [and has a smile that could (almost) make a die hard lesbian reconsider…almost. ;) ]

Horsies!

This is Lee, our corporate show director. He is the guy who auditioned me nine years ago for this gig! And yes, he is that tall. And most people find him intimidating, because he sure as hell can be. This guy can hire and fire at will. Luckily for me, he thinks I’m a cool cat and digs me as la princessa.

And oh, goodness! During our rehearsals, I’m just sitting back in the arena, waiting for the knights to finish up, and Lee comes up to me. He says, “Evey, you’re an interesting girl.” Uh, thanks? “Yeah, I was reading your blog…” OMG. hahaha I died. But then he gave me the link to HIS blog! Bloggers unite! [but he doesn’t wear a corset on his blog like I do….ohhhh lordy!]

ANYWAY!

I also love new shows because of the new princess swag! I get a new costume, plus I get to go find new princess bling. Check out Princess Catalina’s new threads!

Pretty, huh?

Bust it wide open, bust it wide, hey! [you know the song.]

I just love how that trim accents my VAGINA. Really, Medieval? AND you made it in a V shape? Shame. [But still, the dress is pretty!]

New shoes! So sparkly. So distracting.

Old tiara, because it’s pretty. Old necklace, because it’s gorgeous and my mom gave it to me a million years ago. But new earrings! I’ve been told they’re so sparkly you can see them from across the arena. Mission accomplished. ;)

And what’s really cool is that I was asked not only to do the very first performance of our new show for the soft opening, but also to be the princess for the grand opening of the new show, complete with tons of press, VIP, corporate people, and all the big head honchos. We even had a massive cake that was an exact replica of our castle! Cake Boss style!

Look at the wittle baby cake knights! So cute!

Obligatory princess pose with the cake. So gay. haha

side-note: You guys don’t know how hard it was to not take a finger-full of icing off the cake when no one was looking. Like, it was really hard. We didn’t end up cutting the cake until after the show and after some other ceremonious crap…I was pretty much eye-fucking that cake all evening.

Anyway! The new show is rad. I like this princess version way better than the last. [Leonore was whiny…Catalina is a slut. Upgrade!]

You guys should come see it! You get to eat with your hands, make a lot of noise, watch guys beat the crap out of each other, Medieval Fight Club style, watch pretty horsies prance about, Dave the King! [nuff said], have a real, live falcon fly over your head, and you get to watch meeeee say stuff like, “Good nobles!” and “Chivalry has been redeemed!” and other such nonsense. ;)

Fare thee well! [sorry…I couldn’t help myself!]

x x