Posts tagged lgbtq
Tea & Glitter
The Multiple Personalities of Eveleena
Visualize this:
Preteen Eveleena. Verging on puberty. Awkward as hell. Glitter-loving tomboy girlchild from a broken home. Messy and running with a rough crowd. [confession time: In 4th grade, this girl named Erica peer-pressured me into stealing. I stole a Hello Kitty 4x4inch little pillow from this other girl’s house. I went home and cried my eyes out and then called the girl’s mom and confessed to everything, before walking my ass back to her house {the not-sexy-time kind of walk of shame} and returning the (completely insignificant, never-would-have-been-missed-if-I-hadn’t-tattled-on-myself) pillow.]
I climbed trees, tried to adopt every single stray animal that I came across [possums are people, too!], and split my time between playing pretend and being a huge nerd [a.k.a. teacher’s pet, a.k.a. the early signs of lesbianism…].
Did I mention I was awkward as hell?
Okay, so you’ve got the visual. Luckily, my parents saw that I was - real talk here - totally lacking grace and sophistication and anticipated that puberty would probably be hard on me. To help counteract the tempest of hormonal suffering I was about to undergo, they gave me the greatest book ever: the “What’s Happening to My Body? Book For Girls.”
You guys, this thing was THE JAM. They’ve updated it over the years, but I still have my original copy. It covered everything, from periods to having feelings for other girls [so progressive!]. I wore that shit out!
You see, while my parents were incredible people, and were always there for me [even though they were people, too, and going through their own tumults], reading about all the awful things that were about to happen to me was VASTLY preferred over asking my dad.
So by the time I actually did get my period, I didn’t think I was dying [just that there were dead babies coming out of me every month]. Every time I woke up with something new [what the fuck is this?!], I’d just flip through my book/bible {ah, let’s see. Chapter 6, article 7b. Oooooh. Hm. Well, then. So THAT’S what that is.} When I went from a size 0 to a size 7 in a matter of months [hello, birthing hips!], I understood it was the circle of life. When I finally got boobs…oh. wait. Still waiting on that one. [hrmph!] When random hair started growing in places that I was NOT happy about, I knew what to do.
And when I started being curious about S-E-X, I learned [way more than I wanted to]. Even back then, the line drawings of male bodies kinda, sorta grossed me out. ESPECIALLY when they were drawn having sex, with all their anatomically-correct parts being all erect. [ew!]
I read ALL ABOUT what sex entailed with boys. And I thanked my lucky stars I was only twelve and wouldn’t have to start doing that for a long, long time. Little did I know it would be NEVER. [muahahah! win!] I seriously even considered pulling the whole, “I’m waiting till marriage!” bullshit, just so I wouldn’t have to.
::cough:: GAY ::cough::
Looking back, there were SO many signs of my impending lesbianism. And thankfully, that book gave me options [I LOVE options!] and covered homosexuality {as a completely viable route as far as sexual orientation went}.
It was appreciated, especially down the line when my lady-parts were stirred by another lady. Not saying I rushed to dig out that old book at 18 years old when I first met Brittany, but not saying I didn’t, either.
[side-note: I was thinking about one day writing a book to help girls when they realize they’re gay, or might be, or what are these feelings?! omg!, and to give them guidance and my advice for coming out. Your thoughts?]
Anyway, so that book got me through [most of] the awkward years [you’d think at 26 I’d be past that shit by now!] and help me blossom into the confident, body-aware, sexuality-aware, lesbian ugly-duckling-turned-vixen/still a huge nerd that you see before you today.
Speaking of!
Vixenhood has been gloriousness lately.
[Man, that mirror is dirty! I bet Consuela would tear that shit up with some Lemon Pledge.]
Revolution has been wild, as usual. It was Tia Kadena’s birthday bash at Rev a couple weeks ago, and, as expected, it was filled with some serious wantonness with a pinch of utter indecency, a dash of depravity and a generous helping of lesbian merrymaking!
I approve this message.
And Frankie [a.k.a. Ana Mosity] and I keep showing up wearing the same thing. After years of working together, I guess it happens, but com’on now.
In other news, I had my debut show as an official cast member of Big Bang Boom! Cabaret. That’s right, it’s Facebook official, which clearly means it’s legit.
We had our “Iconic Women in History” show, and I called Joan of Arc [one history’s most famous “rumored” lesbonitas. Naturally].
I was super stoked to make my costume, and my boys were equally excited.
But really, why do they not understand that my costume stuff, which looks EXACTLY like all their toys, are not toys?! Try sewing yards of fringe when your cats sneak attack you at your sewing machine and haul ass around the house, fringe flying from their furry little faces. It’s hard as fuck.
But I ended up finishing my costume:
And I found THE PERFECT SONG. I’d been looking forward to this show for a month now, and it was totally epic!
All the girls KILLED IT. I was as excited to watch the other girls perform as I was to get on stage myself. And they did not disappoint. I wanted to make it rain for each and every one of them. Titillating!
Spot the lesbian!
Speaking of lesbian, funny story. So I’m the princess at Medieval Times, if you didn’t know that already. Hi.
And we get lots of people coming to see the show from all around the world. Right now, we’re getting lots of groups on senior class trips. They’re always from like, Podunk, Iowa or from All White People, Indiana with only 20 kids total in their entire graduating class.
Anyway! A few days ago we had one such group come to the show. And there was a girl who was CLEARLY a lesbian. I thought to myself, “If I was from Podunk, Iowa, and I end up going to the big city of Orlando, and to Medieval Times, and the PRINCESS is a lesbian, it would make my life.” So I employed some tactics to convey to this lonely little lesbian that I, too, am a gay’mo. Extended eye contact when they came up to take pictures. A wink. Arm around her. Side smile. Etc. After the show, her group came up to get autographs, and I heard the little lesbian whispering to her friends, “No, I swear she is! I really think she is!”
A random hot Russian chick [not from the high school] came up to take a picture with me, and after the picture, I made the sign of the cross, and little lesbian goes, “SEE!? SEE?!”
And then, of course, she comes up to get an autograph and all her friends are watching, with baited breath. I totally start chatting her up, and she was all doe-eyed and gazing adoringly at me.
It was awesome. hahahah
When I haven’t been on stages or in castles, breaking little lesbian hearts, I’ve been having sweet, sweet cuddle sessions with the only boys I’ll ever spoon:
And visiting ancient tress and pretending I’m from Fern Gully:
Oh, and I’ve been falling in love. Unlooked for, unpredicted, and unexpected [but isn’t that the best?]. I was not anticipating meeting someone after my last relationship ended. I thought I was just going to spend my time working, hanging out with friends and cats, and maybe going on some dates here and there. Oh, and lots and lots of masturbation.
But then I had coffee with a girl who is friends with some of my friends, and afterward I thought to myself, “Oh, shit. This could be trouble.”
You know, that really good kind of trouble where your hormones go crazy, your dopamine levels freak the fuck out, and you want to go buy all new underwear.
Ahem.
I thought to myself, “Be careful, little lady…remember what happened last time??”
But then I thought, “But life is too short! Why not?! Why shouldn’t I take a risk again?”
But then I thought, “But what if things go to shit??”
And then I thought, “So what if things go to shit? That’s life! And maybe I’ll get some good sex out of it!”
And then I thought, “Hm. Good point.”
And then I thought, “I know, right? See where I’m coming from?”
And I thought, “Yeah, yeah. You’re making a good case for yourself. Life IS too short. Gotta take those reins and ride it.”
“Exactly!”
“And she treats you really well…and every time you hang out with her, things just get more and more awesome…”
“I know! That’s what I’m saying!”
“So…are we gonna go for it?”
“Let’s do this.”
“Hey, are we schizophrenic?”
“It’s looking like maybe, yeah.”
But anyway! For better or for worse, what ended up happening was that I decided to go for it.
So…wanna meet her??
Her name is Kiley.
She’s a forensic underwriter data analyst. [smarty pants!]
And an artist.
She’s wicked funny, has her shit together, and is totally adorable.
She’s a HUGE lesbian. [yeahhhhh, kind of a requirement for me now…]
And clearly foxy as fuck.
And she has a cat, Lucifur!
She treats me extraordinarily well.
And makes me feel more like myself than anyone else has in a long, long time.
You guys, I REALLY like her.
I’ll leave the U-haul and turkey baster for all you other crazy lezzies out there, because while I’m a romantic, I’m also a realist. But wherever this goes or does not go, I sure am enjoying every moment. Life is too short to waste time on “what if’s”.
So, my loves…
I know I am!
Till next time!
xx
indersmus3 asked:
Hi ivy! Love your blog :) I'm currently seeing this girl.. First girl I've ever dated.. And I'm about 90 percent sure I don't like boys at all.. I'm really stuck on her but idk if its because she's the first or because I really like her. Not to mention she thinks that im probably still straight and its just her that i like. its all very confusing.. How do I navigate this whole thing? What was ur first like?
Congratulations! You have now joined the elite group of sanctified, favored and privileged women who love women! PRAISE BE!
First, give thanks to whatever higher power you believe in for giving you this great gift, for it is indeed a gift. We’re pretty much the best club in the world to belong to, because, well, have you *seen* women?! All soft, and not hairy, and smart, and smelly good, and BOOBS!
SO GOOD. mmm.
Ahem.
Now that you’re in your first introductory relationship to the queer world, that doesn’t mean you’ll never find dudes attractive. That doesn’t mean you might not sleep with a dude. That doesn’t mean you might not date a dude. HOWEVER! It IS a good indicator that you are queer. HOORAY!
When I had my first girlfriend, I thought I was bisexual. You can read about my coming out story HERE.
But basically, what I want you to come away with after reading that is that it took me a few relationships to determine how I wanted to label myself [because how you define yourself is YOURS to do, and yours alone]. I’d never slept with a dude {to this day}, but this was also my first time sleeping with a girl and I was still super young and hormones were flying around like the fuckin’ Jetsons.
It was only AFTER I had been in a couple serious relationships with women, and never once wanting to be with a guy {not once}, that I discovered I was a full-blown lesbian. But that was purely just what I concluded for myself. I felt completely comfortable defining my sexual orientation that way. You might never want to do that. You might never want to give yourself parameters like that. I mean, definitions can sometimes make things a helluva lot easier, but that might not be your jam.
So maybe you’re a straight girl dabbling? Or maybe you’re a bisexual girl who will end dating both boys and girls? Or maybe you’re pansexual and gender won’t be no thang to you, ever? Or maybe you’re a huge dyke like myself and will be U-hauling it up with the girl of your dreams? Or maybe. Or maybe. Or maybe.
Don’t stress about it, babe.
Be respectful of your current relationship, but don’t be afraid to explore your sexuality. What feels good to you? What feels right to you? Whatever makes you happy, and doesn’t hurt other people, do it!
And there is NOTHING like your first love. Especially if your first love is a girl. So enjoy this. Romance the hell out of her {until she swears you’re a HUGE lesbian!}. Date the shit out of that girl. Immerse yourself in every nuance of this love, every smile that makes your heart melt, every curve of her body. Enjoy the hell out of it.
Whether or not it lasts, whether you’re gay, straight, or whatever, don’t let the complexities of life become something that stops you from enjoying the present. Because you are ALWAYS going to be discovering new things about yourself. The trick is to accept them as they come, explore like you’re effin’ Christopher Columbus, and take advantage of the wonderful opportunities you have to grow as a person {and I have my fingers crossed that you’ll grow into a beautiful lesbo-dyke!}.
This is what life is about. It’s about falling in love. It’s about exploring every corner of who you are. It’s about growing and becoming and unbecoming and becoming more. It’s about dismantling your preconceived notions about who you thought you would be and accepting who you are. It’s about having sex with girls {if you’re lucky!}, and it’s about taking risks. No one knows how to really navigate uncharted waters, but if you just go for it, with the brazen and bold irreverence of an explorer on a mission to find your bliss, then you will.
And even if you do discover that you’re a big ol’ lesbonita, that doesn’t mean things will get any less complicated. You’re dating women. We’re complicated as fuck. But that’s part of the fun. ;)
So have fun. And lots of it. And don’t stress too much. Sexuality is a spectrum, and you’re finding your place on it.
Oh, and HERE’S just more of my views on sexuality, in general. Put those reading pants on, girl!
Lots of love!
xx
p.s. Thanks for the blog love!
Anonymous asked:
how do you let girls know your also interested in girls too or lesbian? Im also a femme like you and like other femmes so is there something you do or hints u give?
Oh, girl. Ohhh, giiiiiirl. I feel you. You are suffering from the endemic and throbbing affliction know as “femme invisibility.” For those of you who have never heard of this, it’s probably because you’re straight or you’ve had short hair all your life and wear board shorts to the beach. But femme invisibility is the tragic lesbian phenomenon in which gay girls who are feminine in appearance have one helluva hard time convincing the gay community that they play for our team [but ew, not an actual sport.]. And I commiserate.
You see, even though the gay community KNOWS that there are more ways than one to be gay, and most gay girls, in fact, LOVE femme girls [worship us like the goddesses that we are], the community still clings to the antiquated idea of what a gaygal “should” look like. And if a girl happens to fall outside of that, and into - heaven forbid! - the category of what a “straight” girl “looks like”, then all hope is lost. Pretty girls in pretty dresses with pretty little lezzie hearts get completely ignored by the rest of the dyke community.
So, darling, you are not alone. There are so many of us lesbonitas out there who want to rock heels, lipstick, and long hair [don’t care], but who are tired of being shucked away into the “straight girl” category, simply because we really, really don’t want a faux hawk. As we speak, I’m wearing a cute little dress with horsies on it, complete with two coats of mascara, lipgloss, and cascading curls.
If I walk down the street, nothing about me screams HOMO. [aside from the fact that I’m holding hands and making out with some chick when we stop at the corner…] But if I don’t have a token DYKE on my arm, no one knows I’m gay. I fly completely under the radar of society, blending in with the masses of girlie girls out there.
In fact, even when I’m performing [in gay clubs across America] I’ve had girls come up to me and declare that I’m just some straight girl, trying to take advantage of the baby dykes who don’t know better. Bitch, please! I’m the gayest girl in the south. And not just because I’m a gold star. You guys know I’m pretty fuckin’ gay in most ways.
But that doesn’t stop people from thinking I’m straight. Despite slightly more visibility thanks to the media finally catching on a teeny tiny bit that the ‘mos & ‘bos are a very diverse demographic, I know there are about a zillion gay girlies out there who are absolutely fed-the-fuck up with being passed over because of the way we look. [hashtag: first world problems…]
But still!
How many times has a gorgeous femme girl had NO ONE approach her in the gay club because every boi, stud, and dyke in the room assumes she’s a fag hag or just a straight girl who got lost? That cute little lesbian in the bookstore would NEVER approach a femme-looking girl for fear of having some straight girl go, “Omg, ew! Shoo! Shoo! Get away!” [or just rejection in general].
The fact is, so many gay girls have trained themselves to not even notice “straight-looking” girls anymore. We dollfaced-dolls are oftentimes literally invisible to the gay girl eye. HRMPH! How the hell are we supposed to perform the lesbian mating ritual if our prey don’t know we’re hungry for them? You guys, it totally sucks!
Granted, there are some “benefits” to being femme. We don’t have to “come out” to the masses if we don’t want to. We can go into women’s restrooms without worrying that someone is going to think we’re in the wrong bathroom. We don’t have to face homophobia simply based on our looks, and no one is going to see us and want to bash in our heads with a baseball bat.
But it’s all a double-edged sword. As a feminist and a queer one at that, I don’t want the privilege that my appearance gives me. It’s not fair. [But that’s a {really effin’ long} rant for another day!]
So back to the actual question: how can femme girls communicate that we love Ani DiFranco, our favorite artist is Georgia O’Keeffe, and that we are SO down to don a strap-on and get down to lots of lezzy sexy-time business [and then get in a relationship 4 hours after meeting, move in with you after 2 weeks, and adopt a kitten]? How do we let you know we’re gay if we don’t wear polo shirts and cargo shorts? Do we need a secret handshake that only lesbians know?
Because the irony of the situation is that lesbians are WILD for femmes. Femmes are so pretty! And we smell so good! We’re like grown-up versions of My Little Ponies and we want to have sex with YOU! So it’s no wonder you dykes out there are constantly asking, “Where are all the femme girls?” Right in front of your faces, but how the hell would you know that?
So…should we lipsticks try to dress more “gay”? <-the answer to that is no.
Dresses are my natural habitat. I will never chop off my locks. I tried to do that whole, “androgynous” look this one time. I was like, “Yeah! I’m gonna butch it up!” So I put on a button-up shirt, a tie, some black pants…and then I put on heels. And lots of eye makeup. And spent 20 minutes doing my hair. See?? It just doesn’t work!
And it doesn’t work on multiple levels. A.) We wouldn’t be femmes anymore, and EFF THAT NOISE. Talk about fucking for virginity, amIright?! And B.) We’d be going against our nature and lying to the world. And no one should have to change for someone else. Ever. Or lie about who they really are. [it’s just not the Unicorn Way, my friends.]
So. We all agree trying to butch it up is NOT the way to go, and would make no one happy. And this is all about being happy, right? Right.
Let’s start with one of the most useful tools [and also sometimes our worst enemy] in the lesbian toolbox: the lesbian rumor mill. Tell the chattiest dyke you can find that you’re gay. I give it 45 minutes before every lesbian in town knows about you and you have a hundred new Facebook friend requests.
More than that, come out! Whenever you can [as long as you’re safe]! Find ways to casually talk about being a ‘bo in your daily conversations: “Oh, yeah, music is cool. My ex-girlfriend was a musician. Her band sucked, but I pretended to be supportive.” “Oh, yeah, the new iPhone 5 is cool. And there’s always cute girls working at the Apple Store, so it’s still a win for me if I drop my phone again.” “Oh, yeah, veganism is cool. A lot of my people tend to be vegan. And by my people, I mean queers. Which I am. Super queer. Gay as the day is long, baby! So, you know, in case you were wondering.”
Another tip: as gay as it sounds [haha], try wearing something gay. We, as femmes, already know the power of good accessories. Use those powers for good, my loves! I have an adorable equality ring that I wear, and totally flash it at the cute barista every time I take a sip of tea at Starbucks. Discreet rainbow here and there? Yes, please. A pink triangle sticker on your laptop? Sure thing!
And while having a rainbow flag on your purse might not be your style, who cares if it lands you the girl of your dreams who otherwise would not have approached you?!
But if blatant queer accessories doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, why not try something else that might get the ladies thinkin’ you’re not as hetero as you look? For example, I tend to mix butch with babe. Combat boots with dresses. A button-up and bowtie with an A-line skirt and red lips. And keep those nails short, ladies! [such a goodie!]
And what I’ve found to be THE BEST WAY for me to get the ladies: CONFIDENCE. Be brave. Make eye-contact [and lots of it!]. Make the first move. Go after that hot boi dyke. Buy that girl a coffee. Buy that girl a drink at the bar. Ask someone to dance. Ask someone out. Jaws might hit the floor, but do it anyway. Prance your fancy little femme ass up to whichever girl catches your eye and be bold, my loves! And honestly, just smile and make eye-contact. Hearts will flutter when you flutter them lashes, girl.
Good luck, and happy hunting, my little pretty pretty princesses! Oh, and all you dykes out there begging for some femmes…how about you put in some effort, too, eh? ‘Cause I mean, let’s get real: everyone’s at least a little gay, even if they don’t know it yet - and that includes straight girls.
xx
So I’ll put my faith in something unknown…
2013- the year of rough beginnings but blissful endings.
You guys, I’m not gonna lie - I was getting a little worried for a second there. I had such high hopes and lofty fantasies about what 2013 would be like, how I’d kick so much ass on my goals, and how I’d be off on unicorn adventures on a daily basis. But the first two months of 2013 were total dream crushers.
I was legit getting concerned. I was not a happy girl, and that is SO not my jam. My natural state is a rainbow-riding, glitter princess of happiness and magic. I’m a romanticizing romantic. I’m a beam of ridiculous joy, thrilled with even the most mundane things in life. I’m like the Bob Ross of the lesbian world.
Luckily, 2013 has decided to redeem itself, and I totally approve that message.
It’s actually been pretty exciting - at the beginning of the year, I wrote down goals for myself, professionally and personally. {What a novel concept! Pretty sure I’m the only person EVER who resolved to do things differently for the new year. haha } And I was at a dead stop on all of them. It was like my entire life had been put on hold, and I was in this unhappy gridlock of stagnation.
But then 2013 was like, “JUST KIDDING! Ha. Ha. Got ya! I’m actually going to be awesome.”
And BAM! The Awesome Bomb detonated.
First, I’ve been on a booking spree for my burlesque and go-go shows. I’m booked now through July, and I couldn’t be happier about where things are going with that. To be honest, that 19-year-old little lesbian hitting the stage for the first time EVER, dancing like a baby horse, all legs and arms, is still somewhere inside me and is still SHOCKED on a daily basis that I somehow ended up lucky enough to be able to do this for a living. I wake up [at noon haha] every day and just lay there, paralyzed with how amazing my life turned out. I get to hang out with drag queens and kings [true royalty], dance my little white girl whooty off, and perform all across the country.
I’ve been to all my usual haunts, like my home bar and the gay club version of my soulmate, Revolution Nightclub in Orlando:
Where we CLEARLY have the most fun this side of the Mississippi. ;)
And I’ve hit up InCahoots in Jacksonville:
with some FABULOUS queens, like Mercedes Devereaux!
And the longest-leading lady of Jax, Nichole Woods!
But I’ve also been performing with the GAWJEOUS gals of Big Bang Boom! Cabaret! [total swoon!]
And doing some nerdlesque with the All-Star Burlesque Revue:
[so much weave! >__<]
[homo-flexible]
Oh, and being SUPER artsy and shaking my tailfeathers [literally] at the Orlando Museum of Art:
Shocking old ladies & giving some old gents the time of their lives! (one lady exclaimed, “Oh, dear!” and left the show, while I was able to pull two old guys out of the audience, put my top hat and feather boa on them, and make them dance with me. Red garters on a dancing girl - now that’s what I call art!)
It’s been a fabulous show season, so far! And I have SO MUCH to look forward to. Like PENSACOLA PRIDE!
GIRLS IN WONDERLAND!
and BOSTON PRIDE!
And what’s even more amazing than getting to work for incredible events and kick ass parties is that I work with some wonderful people.
For example, after our burlyQ show at NV last Thursday, Franki and I went to Pom Pom’s Teahouse with some friends for some noms, love, and catch-up-kisses! [it was absolutely dreamy!]
And cupcakes happened, of course!
[Sad story about this cupcake: moments after this photo was taken, that cupcake fell on the floor. I spent the rest of the night crying.]
Speaking of wonderful people, I’ve been surrounded by a [totally adorable] gang of beautiful friends and family who really love me, and I can’t thank them enough for all the light they bring to my life.
From sex bomb besties and boob attacks…
to sushi dinners with outstanding couples…
to pool [shark] dates with my forever darlin’…
to slumber parties with platonic life partners…
to hunting for treasures in antique wildernesses with an incomparable inamorata…
to my brother’s birthday lunch with my adorable and wonderful mama, my dashing stepdaddio, and my big bro and his bestie…
to being part of such an awesome group of friends that we are just exhausted by all our amazingness…
I am truly blessed. I work my ass off, love my heart out, and cuddle the shit out of my cats. It’s a damn good life, and I’m not wasting another moment.
Here’s hoping 2013 is treating YOU right!
So much love, babydolls…
xxxx
Ready…set…
holy whoa.
So the past week and a half has been intense, to say the least. From shows to sushi to sweating to superheroes to sweet baby Jesus in a jam jar, things have just been a big ol’ ball of wow.
Let’s chat.
My personal life has been bananas lately, but my life on the road even more so. I took a little trip to Jacksonville at the beginning of the month to do a show with the incomparable Mary Contrary and the gender-bender Spikey van Dykey. I drove up early to spend time with a few friends (who make Jacksonville extra exciting & awesome), grab some sushi, and hit up a Starbucks [naturally].
nom.
After hang time, I put my face on and headed to the Metro to meet up with the crew. We pranced, we danced, and we played with all the cool kids in Jax. I was surprised by a few faces [that seems to keep happening lately…], and I stared at Mary’s boobs.
Good times. ;)
I got on the road home, and I’m driving my tired little booty down I-95 when I get a 911-emergency text from Vita. Vita DeVoid, Franki Markstone, and Kissa von Addams, all fabulous showgirls, had be been booked {literally} across the street from where I was performing that night. {I tried to sneak across to see the girls do their bump ‘n grind, but I couldn’t get away! Sad trombones}. Even more sad trombones, the girls blew out their tire on their way home (!).
So they called the lesbian. haha I turned my lil’ Honda right around and went off to save some showgirls!
I gave them my spare, and then stole Franki [because she’s mah gurl!], and headed back home to Orlando, finally. 6 a.m. and we made it home! Vita & Kissa took it nice and slow on the road with my lil’ spare, but everyone made it home, safe & sound. yay.
After the Jacksonville insanity, I got to join forces with Spikey AND Franki again to get naughty with the girlies at Rev.
YES, PLEASE!
I love Revolution SO MUCH. A sea of lesbians. What more could a girl ask for, really? ;)
After the weekend was done & dusted, I woke up Monday morning to a text from Charlotte over at Macbeth Photography that said something along the lines of: “How fast can you be a superhero? We need you!”
They were testing out a new concept, and I’m the only person they know who can hop in a phone booth and show up ready to go in just a few minutes. Secret identities and latex. My life.
I love being a test subject/friends with such talented people. We get to play around and silliness ensues. Like my face. ^
After morphing back into just regular ole’ Eveleena, I got ready for what promised to be an incredible night: The xx were in town! I bought tickets THE DAY they went on sale, and I’d been waiting for this show for MONTHS!
The show was amazing, I was with amazing people, and it was an amazing night.
It was also bittersweet. In a really awful way. [But I already wrote about that in my diary, and you guys don’t need to be reading sad stories…]
Anyway, moving on!
I’m a lucky sonofagun and I have the most beautiful, amazing friends in the world. I got to spend some tea time with two of them, Mollie & the Ninja…
[gorgeous girls!!!]
and help Mollie paint her new place, 80s montage style. 
These girls are real superheros. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Especially because they make me take the time to stop, rest, be with people who love me, and chill for once. Le sigh!
But that never lasts for too long! This girl is on the go!
Wednesday was another trip to the Mystery Sketch Theater, where I got to pose for some stupid-amazing, ridiculously talented artists!
Who end up doing amazing things with pencil, paper, digital tools, and I’m pretty sure magic.
Thursday I spent the entire day finishing my costumes for our big Les Vixens burlesque debut at NV!
Hello, ass shot! hah
The show was FABULOUS and I can’t wait till next month! Franki & Veronica KILLED IT, and our absolutely lovely stage kitten, Krystina, was all kinds of eye candy as she helped us be our very best, bumpin’ & grindin’. I think it’s just going to get bigger and better and fabulous-er every month. I hope you can check it out sometime!
Last night it was back to Jacksonville, my home away from home, with Franki & Evie for a show at the Norm.
We ended up putting on our show and then hanging out late with all the little kitties. I swear, Jacksonville has a secret lesbian scene full of hot ass girls who are awesome. I’ve decided I want to be besties with all of them. ::writes in planner- “Make friends with [more] hot ass lesbians”::
I love having goals.
So something crazy happened on Tuesday. You guys ready for storytime? Get comfy.
Growing up, I had a best friend named Jill. I’m talking, EPIC best friend. We met before we hit puberty, and spent the next ten years going through EVERYTHING together. The awkward years [I’m still in mine]. Middle school. High school. Family shiz. The Spice Girls. We understood each other in ways that were inexplicable. This girl taught me how to walk in high heels, that eyeliner can be your best friend or worst enemy, and how to embrace femininity. I taught her to not take things so seriously, that there’s more to life than boys & church, and that jogging in heels is probably not a good idea.
I’d show up at her house, covered in dirt from playing outside, and she’d reapply lipgloss and make me take off my shoes. Our conversations were made up entirely of inside jokes, and I have never laughed the same way with anyone else. I always thought she was gorgeous, but she never saw that her curves were a good thing. My family was really dysfunctional [but amazing], and her family was super nuclear [but über strict & conservative]. So she had some serious Christian indoctrination going on, and I was a serious free spirit. We were the original odd couple. Tomboy awkward girl and misguided Marilyn Monroe.
We were inseparable. This girl changed my life, and that’s not hyperbole.
And then I met my first girlfriend, Brittany. Jill was the first person I told. I ran up to her the day after I met Brittany, and said, “I met a girl! I think I’m bisexual! We’re going on a date! Omgahhhh WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!”
And at first, Jill was super supportive [hooray!]. But then something happened. I don’t know what, exactly, but I’m pretty sure it had to do with the fact that she was raised in a strict Christian home where the idea of homosexuality was cut & dry: it’s WRONG and homosexual love is Satan’s pornography. Or whatever they teach in Sunday school these days…
Jill was moving away to attend a Christian school in Tennessee (doesn’t sound promising, does it?), and about a week after she moved I got a message from her on Myspace [oh, lawd, good old Myspace!] where she told me she doesn’t agree with my “lifestyle” and she’s going to “pray” for me and Brittany. Oh, and to consider this the end of our friendship.
You guys, she totally drank the Kool-Aid.
I died. She was the only person who I lost when I came out of the closet. And it killed me so much more because I KNEW with every fiber in my body that Jill was NOT homophobic. I KNEW she would and could love me no matter what. I knew that her soul and her essence and who she is was NOTHING like that message I got on Myspace.
We ran into each other a few times after that, but I was still dating girls and she was still conflicted as fuck.
Flash-forward, six years later, to this past Tuesday. I’m sitting at Starbucks with Mollie and I get a text. It’s from Jill. My heart stops. And it says,
“Eveleena Danielle!!! I fucking miss you and want to see you perform. I fucking love you so much and am so sorry for being a judgmental prick. I have learned so much about how wrong I was. Love is love and I’m sorry. I’m with a bunch of gays who LOVE you. And I was like omg she and I used to dance to ABBA in 5th grade!!!! I love you and we’re coming to see you at Rev.”
I dropped my phone. We started texting because god dammit, I will always love this girl, and apparently she reads my blog, hangs out with gay peeps who know me, and has thought about me just as much as I have thought about her.
GLORY HALLELUJAH! Baby Jesus be praised, she has seen the light!
So she’s coming to Rev. TONIGHT. And I haven’t seen her in SIX YEARS. And now she’s going to watch me whip my hair and holy shit, you guys.
So I’m off to get ready for a killer night at Rev, a reunion of epic proportions, and maybe to make some new hot ass lezzie friends. Wish me luck!
xx
100 Most Influential Gay Entertainers Vol. II
So I am in that. ^
EEEEEE!!!
It’s pretty exciting! It’s a book documenting, well, 100 of us queers who love the stage.
And what’s even more awesome is that I have a chance to be ON THE COVER! But I need your help [if you’re so inclined]. Simply CLICK THIS LINK and “Like” my picture. Badda bing, badda boom! That’s all you need to do. The entertainer with the most “likes” gets to have their picture as the cover. [Hey, Mom…now that we’re Facebook friends, you have to go “Like” it, too! K thanks. ;) ]
Warning: This Post is Super Long! It’s all about holiday getaways, shooting stars, and the end of another year!
2012 finished with a serious bang!
After Mollie & Ryan’s wedding, shows, and my family reunion, the Bunny and I were ready for our holiday getaway!
Just the two of us, the open road, and planned spontaneity! <the only way to do it.
SO EXCITED!!!!
We drove to our first stop: Savannah, Georgia.
We were supposed to land in Savannah with enough time to grab sushi with Mary Contrary, one of my fellow entertainers [and a total doll], but because we never get anywhere on time, we ended up arriving in Savannah long past the point where our rendezvous of sushi noms was possible. The sushi joint was closed, and after I stopped crying, the Bunny & I decided we’d have dinner with Mary the following night.
So we went to our fancy schmancy hotel (ooh, lala!) and ended up grabbing some pizza [something I NEVER do..but dammit, I’m on vacation!] at Vinnie Go Go’s, a well-known, semi-hipster pizza place open late enough for night owls. We brought pizza back to our hotel room and gorged ourselves like a sorority girl eating her feelings after a breakup. Nom!
[of course, I also got a salad…even though I’m dating the Bunny, I’m the one who eats like a rabbit. ;)]
We passed out in our king-size bed, which meant the Bunny finally had enough space to sleep. ;)
The next day we had our big day of exploration! Savannah, as it appears, is romantic and beautiful…as long as you stay in the historic downtown district. The rest of Savannah looks like just normal suburban and ghetto life. So, naturally, the Bunny & I stayed in the glorious, notorious historic district. We started by the river, strolling down the famous River Walk and stopping to get lunch on the water.
[I like to gaze adoringly at the Bunny. Or at the sweet potato fries coming our way. Probably both.]
It was quaint and adorable, just like the rest of downtown Savannah, and the food was delicious.
Cobblestones! I love it!
Super old forts with super hero bunnies going up super steep stairs!
Hey, trees that actually change color when the seasons change! Imagine that.
We wandered up and down all the streets, hitting square after square [Savannah is built around 24 squares, which are like mini-parks. I love trees, so naturally every time we walked a few blocks and found ourselves at another square, I felt the need to tell the Bunny how much I liked this square! Or that square! Or look how cute is this square! Oh, look at this square! (I think it got old fast…haha)]
We stopped at a tea room [actually, it’s called The Tea Room hah] and the old broad who worked there knew more about tea than I know about glitter. [And she was a sassy old lady, so now I know who I want to be when I grow up.] The whole place was adorable, and smelled amazing, with wall-to-wall tea canisters. Heaven!
[the Bunny, posing awkwardly because I made her.]
And naturally, the tea was bangin’!
We continued our voyage, tea in hand, and fell more and more in love with the gorgeous historic homes, beautiful holiday decorations, and me with the squares. ;)
After dark, we made our way to meet Mary for our long-delayed sushi date! We went to her favorite place, Wassabi, and it was worth the wait. ;) Plus, the company was absolutely lovely! It’s so nice to hang out with entertainers who I actually like outside of work. And Mary definitely fits that bill!
After dinner, it was time for something I’ve wanted to do for a long time: a ghost tour!
Savannah is listed as the most haunted city in America. We booked our tour with Sixth Sense Savannah [which is REALLY hard to say when you have a lisp…which is why the Bunny made me say the name like, 10 times. Jerk. ;)]. But although it’s a problem for those with a speech impediment, the tour itself was AWESOME. Christopher, our guide, was an adorable [& gay!] guy who really knew his shit, and skeptics & believers both really got into it.
It was a two hour walking tour, and we ended up pretty much taking the same route the Bunny and I took earlier around the city. Which meant we walked past houses that earlier in the day we had gazed at in wonder, and now learned the horrific stories about murders, suspicious deaths, and all the paranormal activity that happened in each house.
Including an abandoned mental institution.
The stories were so good and so creepy and mixed the paranormal seamlessly with historical information. Which, as the resident nerd of this blog, I am a sucker for. ;)
Unfortunately, we didn’t end up seeing any apparitions or ghosts. I say unfortunately for me; however, the Bunny was glad. She pretends to be a badass but turns out, she gets scared of a little ol’ abandoned insane asylum where there are consistent sightings of the White Lady in the windows and where people end up getting injured from violent spirits if they enter. Psh. Scardey-cat. ;)
The next morning we went to the Sentient Bean, a coffee shop Mary recommended.
Blurry love!
The Sentient Bean was perfect for breakfast and had damn good chai lattes!
[and chalkboard walls in the bathroom where the Bunny left a little love note. ;) swoon!]
After our breakfast and tea, we got on the road for our next chapter in our holiday adventures: Atlanta!
We arrived at our hotel [more of a motel this time around, but sometimes we like it when it’s cheap. ;) Like Motel 301!]
We got dolled up…
…and went out for a fancy dinner!
The food was SO GOOD, you guys. Like, Food Network Top Chef good.
And then, because the Bunny said it was our anniversary or something like that [it wasn’t] ;) we got a free dessert of our choice, which ended up being a chocolatey cake made in the kitchen of the gods that was pure sex for taste buds. Pure sex, I tell you!
I’m telling you, as soon as I tried the cake I said, “Oh dear baby Jesus this shit is GOOD!”
It was THAT good. Plus the service was fabulous. Tantra- now THAT’S how you do a fancy dinner. ;)
Next up was something I’ve been waiting for for YEARS: going to see Rachael Yamagata live! You don’t even understand…I’ve wanted to see her play for so so so long. She’s been one of my favorite artists for the longest time, and seeing her live was on my bucket list. The Bunny, being the amazing girl that she is, tried to send me to see her play last year in Portland, which would kill two birds with one stone as I’d also get to see my dad, too! Yay!
Unfortunately, the Bunny is foreign and didn’t realize that there is more than one Portland in the U.S., and good ol’ Rach was playing in Portland, Maine. hahah [The Bun still sent me to go see my dad, which I wrote about HERE. ]
Anyway, so this was the culmination of years of me waiting and wanting, and at least a year of the Bunny trying to get me to see her, so this was going to be EPIC.
The show was at the Vinyl in Atlanta, which is a small, intimate, and absolutely perfect venue.
Ughhhhh she was sooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooooood. THAT VOICE! It’s just so rich and utterly soulful. And Rachael herself is hilarious. She made fun of the fact that none of her music is happy, and that it’s all about heart ache. But her tragic music is in total contrast to her stage persona, which is hysterical and self-deprecating and humble and completely charming.
And I got to meet the lovely lady! [even though the Bunny can’t take a picture to save her life. ;) It’s okay, she’s got other qualities I’m totes into…]
The show was epic, and well-worth the wait, especially because the venue was so perfect and small. Happy Evey!!
The next morning, I had no idea what the day held. It was the Super Surprise Day of the holiday, and the Bunny had kept this portion of the trip a secret (that she was obviously really excited about and very proud of herself for keeping it a secret!). I was told to dress comfy [which, of course, I freaked out about - “Are we talking, yoga comfortable? or like, lounge around the house comfy? or like, The Gap comfy? WHAT DO YOU MEAN DRESS COMFORTABLE?!”] - but I finally sorted out the right outfit, and we hit the road.
I don’t think I’ve ever loved road trips as much as I do with the Bunny. Good music, Starbucks (she knows we don’t go anywhere without me getting my tea!), and her hand in mine…it’s the perfect way to road trip! I didn’t even care that I had no idea where we were going - it’s part of being in the moment. The gorgeous scenery alone was enough to keep me entertained.
After several hours of driving, we appeared to be in the middle-of-nowhere in northern Georgia, and if the area hadn’t been so epically beautiful, I probably would have been thinking horror film thoughts. Instead, we were winding our way through little mountain towns and finally turned off and up a mountain.
We pulled up in front of the most adorable little cabin in the history of ever!!!
The Bunny had spent the past few months arranging this getaway with the owner for our little holiday. The cabin was perfect: a hot tub on the back deck, a fireplace, and every detail was cozy and adorable.
After I stopped running around the cabin, squealing like a little girl at how ::high-pitched:: CUTE!! it was, the Bunny and I drove into the quaint (naturally) little town, and ended up at the Sweet Shoppe Bakery, the Food Network Cupcake Wars Season 6 Winners!
We ended up buying TWELVE cupcakes. Because life is awesome.
Oh, no big deal. Just eating cupcakes by the fire in our cabin on a mountain side. [Like I said, life is awesome!]
Oh, decadence!
After our cupcake indulgence, we ventured outside [in the FREEZING cold] to get in the hot tub! It was glorious. :)
And as IF a cabin on a mountain side, with a fireplace, and a hot tub, and a gorgeous crystal clear northern Georgia winter night wasn’t enough, THERE WAS A GOD DAMNED METEOR SHOWER! Shooting stars all over the place! Somehow, I feel like the Bunny planned that. ;) At the very least, she had one more surprise: she brought sky lanterns. You know, the kind that you light and then let go and they float effortlessly into the sky and then, I dunno, they become stars or something [or just burn out and then hopefully biodegrade in an environmentally friendly manner].
So amidst hundreds of shooting stars, we wrote wishes on our lanterns, lit them, and let them go.
The Bunny didn’t wait long enough [you have to let the lantern fill up first], so hers landed on the roof of the cabin. Which I then pictured the entire roof bursting into flames, and our lives being ruined. But then it picked up again and floated…directly into a tree! Which I then pictured the tree bursting into flames and Smokey the Bear coming after us.
But then, thank baby bears, it floated on up to the sky, and no joke, a freaking shooting star flew straight behind it. MAGICAL!
The whole night was magical, really. Cozy cabin + cold winter night + fireplace + shooting stars = sexy time! [What else? ;) ]
The next morning we got up [late] and went on a hike to see some waterfalls. And it was incredibly gorgeous!
The Bunny fell in the water. hahahahah I actually felt really bad, but, as always, she’s a great sport about things. ;) And let me take pictures of her dumping water out of her boots.
Captain Bunny!
Limbo!
It was the perfect way to end the trip and our holiday getaway! Now we had to hit the road down south to Jacksonville because I had a show with my Vixens at the Norm. [no rest for the wicked!] 8 hours on the road and straight onto the stage!
After the show, the Bunny & I stayed the night with our dear friends, Jordan & Kacee. Jordan even got up at the ass-crack of dawn to cook us breakfast [d’awww!] because I had to be back in Orlando by 11 a.m. on Saturday for a music video shoot! [Like I said, no rest for the wicked!]
It was an awesome time! But it was an awesomely loooong time. We were there all day, and then I had to get my [slightly, you know, just a little teeny bit] exhausted bum to Revolution!
As always, it was crazy town. :) I love Rev!
The next day [sleep? huh? what’s that?] was my sister Vixen’s benefit show to help her get to Chicago, where she booked an epic burlesque tour, which was one of her biggest dreams in life! So, of course, I drove to St. Pete to be part of the incredible cast of entertainers who raised more than $500 for her! RAD!
Love her!
And I was asked by the organizer of the event, along with Franki’s husband, to say a few words about the lady of honor. Which was an honor itself. :)
And for my number, I made a song mix that started with the theme song from Jem & the Holograms [Franki has an entire tattoo sleeve on her arm of Jem & the Holograms!], and then included several inside joke songs between me and Franki, and ended with one of her classic numbers that I included as a tribute. It was really fun [and the gay boys went crazy!]
Plus, I got to hang out with Teddy D, my darling boy!
It was a fabulousocity-filled benefit, and Franki is off in Chicago, kicking ass & taking names! [but she’ll be home before I know it, thank baby Jesus!]
And my goodness, we made it to the last week the Mayans ever thought would happen! I spent our possible last week on earth princessing [+ drinking tea]…
…hanging out with the newly-married Mollie!
Taking long walks [& long talks] with the Bunny….
Cuddling kitties…
And go-go dancing!
We survived the silly Mayan misinterpretation, and made it to Christmas!
And guess what? The Bunny and I made it to my mom’s ON TIME on Christmas Day. It was a Christmas miracle!
We spent the day with my mom, my stepdad, my brother, and of course, Hey Kitty. :)
(^ that’s her special Christmas blanket. It only comes out during the holidays, and it’s where you can find the Kitty pretty much 90% of her life during Christmastime.)
The tree was BEAUTIFUL! [my mom and stepdad always make the entire house really FEEL like Christmas, even if it’s 80 degrees outside.]
And there were so many presents under the tree that I was suspicious that some were just empty boxes wrapped to make the place look extra fancy. [but nope! A gift in every box!]
Holy shit, right?!
And let’s not even forget the AMAZING Paleo feast my mom made!
It was really, really incredible. I feel beyond blessed and grateful for such an amazing family and I feel like my life is charmed in so many ways. As gay as it sounds, I feel like my life is magical. I mean, just LOOK at that food! :D
We ate, gave and received gifts, talked a lot, ate some more, and watched Ice Age! :) It was perfect.
The next day, the Bunny and I went to Blue Springs State Park to hike and spend some time with manatees.
Pine cone!
The following day, we felt really springy. So we went to Rebounderz!
It’s an indoor trampoline arena and it. was. AWESOME! I highly recommend it. Oh, go on! Be a kid again. ;) Go-go dancing at Rev that night, I felt a bit wobbly. Jumping is a killer workout!
Friday I was back on the road to Jacksonville for my show (just me and some drag queens!) at InCahoots!
I always have such a good time at InCahoots…it was wall-to-wall packed, just the way I like it, and I got to see a lot of familiar faces…and ride around on a unicorn. ;)
Saturday it was the last Les Vixen show of 2012, so I figured I’d wear some snazzy new pants. ;)
Oh, 2012! You were EPIC!
But it’s not over yet! We still have New Year’s Eve…
I rang in the New Year at a fancy red carpet event, with tickets ranging from $100-200 just to get in to the fancy schmanciness. No big deal. ;)
I was hired as a go-go dancer [for my “energy and eye candy appeal”! lol It’s always nice when I get paid AND complimented!], along with the incredible Lyn Sky, a lovely aerialist and several stilt walkers. We all got body painted…
[which I promptly sweated off…]
This is me, Astryd [of Tommy Astryd productions], and Lyn Sky!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
While balloons were falling and the ball was dropping, the Bunny drove all the way out to the event just to kiss me at midnight. SWOON!
And that, ladies & gentlemen, was the end of 2012 for me. PERFECTION!
Next up: 2013!
I hope you all had a safe & wonderful holiday, and thanks for sticking with me into the new year!
xoxoxoxoxox
Please. Please. Please. Please go vote. And please, when you are voting, think of the two candidates: one is trying to take away the rights of women and take away the few rights the LGBTQ community has, while ensuring that we don’t get any rights in the future. These are human rights, by the way.
The other candidate is moving forward for full equality for ALL people.
I’m asking for everyone who goes out and votes to do their research and REALLY consider what’s at stake.
VOTE FOR YOUR VAGINAS! And all the vaginas out there that you love.
Obama 2012! Let’s keep moving forward.
(Source: poignantmoments)
Llama Extravaganza!
a.k.a. Reason #234,088 why I’m the best girlfriend in the world. ;)
So last month was mine and the Bunny’s birthdays. I wanted to do something really special for her, because she’s wonderful and deserves it. So I got to brainstormin’ a few months before the birthday (I like to plan ahead), and decided on something utterly ridiculous and completely perfect. I was going to take my Bun to see LLAMAS!
This isn’t as crazy or random as you would imagine. You see, the Bunny loves llamas. They’re her favorite animal. Llamas to the Bun are like unicorns to me.
I didn’t know she had a thing for llamas until she came to my house for the first time and saw, prominently displayed among my unicorns, my own llama:
She couldn’t believe her eyes! So right from the start, she was like, “Hmm…this girl. There’s something here.” ;)
We even took my little Llama on a day of adventures!
Anyway, fast forward many moons, and here I am, deciding that I shall take my boo to see real, live llamas! The only time she’s ever seen a llama in real life was when I took her to the circus, but it was in a big arena and there was only one llama, and it was a million miles away. She still freaked out as if the llama had asked her to tea. I remembered this moment, and how excited she was, and it spurred me on in my quest.
So I started my research. If you read my blog you know I work at Medieval Times. I started there, asking the horse trainers if they knew where I could find a llama. [I love how I can ask ridiculous questions, and no one blinks an eye.] Unfortunately, their leads and direction led to nothing. So I moved on to the Interwebz, where I found A LOT of information about llamas, llama organizations, llama and alpaca meet-ups, etc., but no llamas in the area. I ended up going through a llama directory (this is just so silly) until I found the Oakrest Llama Ranch in Sarasota, FL. I was thrilled! I mean, THIS was on their website:
SCORE! I knew this was the place! So I sent them an email, that went something like this:
Hello, there!
My girlfriend loves llamas. Her birthday is coming up, so I wanted to take her to see llamas in real life. What kind of llama adventures do you offer, if any? And also how much does it cost to visit your llamas?
Kind regards,
Eveleena
Even though this is not the most ridiculous email I’ve sent in my time, it’s definitely up there.
I was crestfallen when I didn’t hear anything back. So I called them, and left a paraphrased version of my email in a voicemail. Nothin’. I checked their website, and saw that their events page hadn’t been updated since April. I didn’t know if the Oakrest Llama Ranch even existed anymore! But I would not be put off the chase. When you’re given a mission by Gandalf, you take that ring all the way! (Eek, my nerd is showing.)
So I persisted and finally Kathy, the lovely woman who runs the ranch, picked up my call. She is an absolutely doll! We spoke on the phone for nearly 30 minutes. She had been in France, and when she returned several of her llamas were sick, so although she had my email and phone number on her to-do list, she had a few things that required more immediate attention. She apologized profusely, and told me how excited she was that I was doing something so wonderfully llama-related for the Bun’s bday.
Now, I’m expecting that we’ll just go to the ranch and look at llamas over a fence as they graze in the distance. But nay! Kathy told me that she had 24 llamas, and two baby llamas, and she’ll saddle them up and we can take the llamas on a mile-long walk and pet them and hug them and LOVE THEM and and and! Oh, Kathy the Dreamweaver!
We planned on the Sunday before the Bunny’s birthday for the visit. Kathy told me that llamas don’t sweat (and now YOU know!), so we couldn’t come visit them in the afternoon. So that left the morning and the evening. I was praying to the Starbucks gods that she wouldn’t say morning…[working at Rev the night before, then having to drive two hours to Sarasota to reach llamas…it would have been a narcoleptic nightmare!]…but thank Venti Jesus, she said, “How would 6 in the evening be for you?” Oh, Kathy, I love ya!
I was bursting with excitement. This was going to be the best day ever!
Now, I just had to keep it a secret.
You guys, it was really, really hard. After I spoke with Kathy and confirmed the llama adventure day, I immediately called the Bunny to tell her to not make plans for the Sunday before her birthday, and I pretty much hung up on her because I almost told her. Instead, I called my friend Jordan and started yelling, “LLAMAS!!!” just to get it out of my system.
The Bunny was ruthless in her endeavor to find out what I had planned. She kept asking if it was something to do with Spiderman, because she loves Spiderman. And then she kept asking if it had to do with llamas (!!), but that’s like me asking if you’re bringing my to see real, live unicorns: wishful thinking, but no actual conviction.
So the big day finally arrived! We drove down to Sarasota, the Bunny completely bewildered and still having absolutely no idea what was going on. It was raining, which meant I was freaking out the entire drive because I don’t know llamas’ weather preference and what if they wouldn’t come out and what if the whole plan was ruined?!
Kathy called me about 30 minutes before our ETA of 6, and reassured me that the weather wouldn’t ruin the day, unless we minded getting a bit wet. [I tried to not make that a lesbian innuendo in my head, but I can’t help it!] I told her we didn’t mind one bit.
Only hearing my side of the conversation, the Bunny was even more confused. MUAHAHAHAHAH!
We pulled up in front of Kathy’s home, and the Bunny was like, “Babe…um…do you know this person, or are we just at some random’s person house in the middle of nowhe…OH MY GOD LLAMAS!!!!!”
For you see, a llama or two came peaking around the corner of the house.
And so began the adventure! Kathy came out and took us around to the llama barn where we met our new llama friends.
The Bunny proceed to freak the fuck out.
‘eyyyyyy. ;)
So beautiful. haha
OMG Baby Bambi Llama!
OMG! Snowy white baby llama!
As Kathy introduced us to each llama in turn, we learned a little about each one, their personalities, and about llama-lore in general. The llamas are so gentle that she uses them as service animals, and takes them into nursing homes, schools, and churches.
In fact, the day before her llamas were working with special needs children. Even more in fact, we met this llama, who won the Hero Animal of the Year 2011 award for his work in nursing homes!
[He looks mighty majestic, doesn’t he?]
It was still raining, but now it was time for our promised walk with the llamas. We were each going to have our own llama to walk (hooray!). My llama was the lovely American Glory:
And then Kathy introduced the Bunny to her llama:
Guess what his name is! JUST GUESS!
Spiderman.
No fuckin’ way. I couldn’t believe it. Remember how I said the Bun loved Spiderman and llamas? And now here she is, about to take a llama named Spiderman on a walk. BEST DAY OF HER LIFE!
Oh, no big deal. Just walking a llama and letting him eat some grass.
We took our llamas on a good 30-40 minute walk, and pretty much had the best time ever!
When we got back, we spent a few more minutes with llamas.
The Bunny getting photo-bombed by a llama. :)
And me, with Paintball Pete, who has a gimpy leg and who Kathy dresses up as a unicorn. No lie. He was obviously my favorite.
So there was something for everyone!
I have never seen the Bunny as happy as she was walking Spiderman the Llama. :)
WIN!
I gave Kathy a large donation for Oakrest Llama Ranch, and I was told it would buy a lot of treats for the llamas.
Speaking of treats, the day wasn’t over yet!
My friend Jessie used to live in Sarasota and recommended the Columbia Restaurant, which is Florida’s oldest restaurant, with locations in Ybor City (the original), Sarasota, and a few other spots throughout Florida. It’s a bit pricey, but I wanted the day to be perfect, right down to the dinner.
So we went, and when we arrived, it looked totally slammed. The hostess at the front handed me a menu and told me that they only had a limited menu for the evening, and for me to look at the prices.
At first I thought she was trying to say that we looked poor and probably couldn’t afford the restaurant (Pretty Woman syndrome), but then she explained that it was their 107th Anniversary Celebration, where all prices were the same as when they opened in 1905. It was the ONE DAY out of the year that they have this celebration, and they were 15 minutes away from stopping taking customers. So we were sat pretty immediately, enjoyed a delicious and MASSIVE meal, with appetizer and entree, and stuffed ourselves silly.
Our bill came to $6.37. WHAT. THE. HELL.
I’m pretty sure the Universe has a crush on me.
And there you have it, folks! Llama adventures, a delicious dinner, and the tale of why I’m the best girlfriend in the world. :)
xx
Oh, p.s. Remember how I said the Bunny had only seen ONE llama ever, and it was at the circus? Well, turns out that very llama came from the Oakrest Llama Ranch! Crazy, huh? Small (llama) world.
Happy Pride, lovers!
I hope you all had a wicked good weekend! It was PRIDE here in Orlando, and it was absolutely out of control!
Of course there were festivities going on all week, but the big to-do was, of course, Saturday at Lake Eola. Hundreds, even thousands, of gay people crowding the streets of downtown and the Thorton Park area. It’s known as the Gayborhood, even without Pride going on, and ironically, it’s also where I live [or maybe it’s known as the Gayborhood BECAUSE it’s where I live].
But anyway - vendors, food sellers, and rainbow EVERYTHING crowded around the lake along with the horde of homos. It was glorious! I love seeing everyone out and about, being PROUD of their love. I love it! I love it! I love it! [Now, ladies & gents & everyone in between, KEEP THAT SHIT UP ALL YEAR LONG, K?!]
I was decked out in my ridiculous sequin-spangled barely-outfit, but what’s Pride without some crazy people, eh? ;)
At 4 o’clock my favorite part of the day-of-Pride festivities started: the parade!
I was on Revolution’s float, as always. But this year instead of just waving and blowing kisses, I was dancing my ass off (and trying not to BUST MY ASS with our erratic float driver). And, you know, waving and blowing kisses. :)
SO MUCH FUN I LOVE MY LIFE OMGAHHHHH!!
After the parade, I went home to shower, and then off to get some noms with the Bunny and some friends. We finished dinner just in time to catch the fireworks at the lake!
How amazing is it that we get to have FIREWORKS at our Pride?! It’s like the 4th of July but WAY MORE colorful. ;)
The entire day was just brilliant and amazing, full of love and passion and pride. But then it was time for the night to take over and for the party to really get started. And HOLY BABY JESUS IN A JAM JAR! Revolution Nightclub…you were TREMENDOUS!
We had 1300 packed into Revolution. Packed like Jesus in a jam jar. The line was around the building at 10 o’clock!
Now, allow me to put this into perspective. At Medieval Times, our arena’s capacity is 1200 people. So we fit 100 MORE PEOPLE into Revolution than fit into a dinner show’s ARENA. CRAZY!
I had an amazing, sweaty time, gettin’ down and dirty on the dance floor with 1300 lesbos!!
I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend! I hope everyone had as much fun as I did, if not more, and spent the weekend with people you love. <3
Don’t stop living the dream, lovers!
xx
Happy Unicorn! Birthday redux.
What a crazy few weeks! I’m another year older and can’t help but feel incredibly, unbelievably lucky. I know this life takes a lot [A LOT] of work, but I’m constantly reminded that my life is pretty badass and that the work is worth it. Untraditional doesn’t even begin to cover it, but this is the life I want. It’s the life I’ve worked my little booty off for, and the reality of it all is just too epic to have ever imagined.
I flew up to Knoxville the Wednesday before my birthday for the 2 year anniversary party for One 4 All Magazine. :)
[Sadly, the Bunny couldn’t go with me. Being the soccer football star that she is, she had to travel with her team. Thursday, they flew to Memphis, ironically. Same state, but still six hours away. So I didn’t get to see her. Sad trombones! But it gets even more sad…I flew home on Friday (to an empty house [aside from kitties]), and on Saturday [on my birthday] she traveled from Tennessee to Alabama to prepare for another match. Then Sunday (the Bunny’s birthday! [yep, her birthday is the day after mine]), they played the match and then traveled home late that night. This was the SECOND year in a row where we’ve missed each others’ birthdays. :( She got to the airport in Orlando an hour before her birthday ended. I brought her flowers and a birthday cake pop from Starbucks (naturally), and when she opened the trunk of my car to put her luggage in, there were (Spiderman) balloons! Wee! Party!]
Anyway, rewind! Back to Wednesday. We’re in Knoxville. It’s the One 4 All Magazine anniversary party. I was the only bio girl asked to perform, so of course I felt honored (and kept my fingers crossed some Tennessee lesbians would be out in force that night)!
The other entertainers were a group of truly incredible Queens, who deserve the capital Q.
There was the ever-insane Vanity Love:
The flawless Barbie doll and southern belle, Miss Deception:
The blonde bombshell and local nearly-naked nutcase Xena:
And the legend herself, Monica Munro!
(She needed something red for her hair, so I whipped off my pasties and she actually wore my pasties as hair pieces! hahaha awesome) [I wrote about this legend HERE, so if you want to know about the time I thought she was going to claw my eyes out…clicky click!]
The whole night was for these two guys, Matt & Drew (< the man behind the magazine):
Love them so much!!
Anyway, so the night started out like this:
And ended up like this:
And in between we had one helluva show! The audience was great (I <3 Tennessee girls!), and I really enjoyed my night. I was the only sober one in attendance by the end of the evening, as always, so also the only viable witness to the madness. You see, I love people watching. And what better way to people watch than to be the only sober gal surrounded by drunk trannies, gay boys and gay girls? It’s a riot. ;)
The next morning, everyone crawled out of their caves at Matt & Drew’s, looking like death warmed over. That is, everyone except Deception, who came downstairs looking like the Toddlers & Tiaras love child of Tinkerbell and a Stepford wife.
I told her I needed to learn how to be a girl from her. hah
The house cleared out as Monica and Deception hit the road for home, and then I did what I did the first time I stayed with Matt & Drew: NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! I sat on my ass ALL DAY LONG and watched Roseann and Family Guy marathons and ate food and hung out with the boys. All. Day. Long. It was spectacular and a much-needed hibernation.
The next day I flew home, unpacked, repacked, and went off to the Cold Keg in Melbourne for the Aftermidnite’s Twisted Circus Show!
I was a strongman:
[Thanks, Maia, for these shots!]
And then, at midnight, I turned another year older, dressed as a burlesque circus elephant.
Birthday spankings from Spikey! Eek!
This is my life. So weird. So awesome.
Saturday was my actual birthday, and seeing that the Bunny was still out of town (sad face), I spent the day drinking tea and hanging with my kitties, catching up on everything I put off the past week. Then my dear friends Jordan and Kacee took me out to a sushi dinner (nom!).
And then it was off to my big birthday bash at Revolution!
When I got to Revolution, I was shocked. My friends are amazing! They showed up at Revolution hours early to decorate THE ENTIRE club, the dressing room, and to set up a major surprise.
So right off the bat, I was grinning like an idiot!
And then it was showtime!
Ana Mosity did an EPIC Madonna mash-up, looking like the queen herself.
And then I had SO MUCH FUN performing my mix. SexyClassicDubstep, BAM!
Yay!
After my number, Ana Mosity, a.k.a. Franki Markstone, a.k.a. My amazing sister vixen, had the club do a blackout, and when the lights came on, more than half the audience had become UNICORNS! Including me!
It was a sea of sparkly unicorns! A unicorn army!
Oh, wait, it’s not over yet!
I got the most epic birthday lapdance of the CENTURY! My Vixens were there, plus Teddy D & Gabe, Franki’s husband. DAMN.
I am one lucky woman!
Thank you so much to everyone who came out to have a boogie for my birthday! A huge, massive, unicorn-army-sized THANK YOU to my sister Vixen and platonic life partner Franki Markstone for all her work to make my birthday so special!! Also, thank you Thee Amanda Biebs for working your ass off to help decorate Rev and for going above & beyond! And Melody Maia Monet for capturing the crazytown night of my birthday on camera. Thanks to Tia Kadena & Evie Fuentes for making me blush ;) and for being such gorgeous, amazing women on Team Vixen!
I had the best birthday bash in the history of EVER! Dancing the night away…it’s the best way to kick off a new year.
xx!
How the HELL did I NOT know about this, people?!?
I just found out that there is such a thing as FEMME CON.
[I’m officially mad at anyone who knew about this and didn’t share. Stingy bastards.]
Femme lesbonitas from all over the country, coming together to talk about glitter, feminism, tight skirts, making out, sexy time, high heels, and unicorns (I’m assuming and hoping). Femme queers from all over the country, rocking sick styles and sky-high heels and being smart as hell. Femme ladylovers sharing independent films, performance/fine/any kind of art, activism, and social consciousness & collaboration. Femme girls from all over the country, prancing and dancing like nymphs under the harvest moon. Femme fatales from all over the country, with lipstick and swinging hips and sassy attitudes. Femme-inistas from all over the country, being out and proud in a community where we’re practically invisible. [{It’s hard to spot a femme girl, because, gosh darnit, we look like “straight girls” (whatever that means).}]
Therefore, we rarely get hit on in gay clubs, gay girls think we’re just fag hags, or worse, that we’re trying to “pass” so we don’t have to deal with our culture of homophobia, etc. [that’s a WHOLE ‘NOTHER post/rant…] But nay! We just like pink, and dresses, and leopard print, and GIRLS!
I can’t even count how many times over the years I’ve had girls come up to me when I’m performing and say, as if they’re speaking the word of God, “You’re straight.” Um…yeah, nope. I just have long, flippy hair and I really, really like sparkly things. But I’m a gayelle, through and through.
But back to Femme Con…
I can’t believe I just found out about this. I’m actually pouting, especially because it was LAST WEEK.
2014 (Femme Con happens only every other year), you better watch out. This gal is going to be ALL OVER IT.
Have you ever wondered what I think about when I’m dancing…?
…among other things. ;)
Our little fluff balls (minus balls).
So it happened.
Last week our little baby boys had to get their manhood removed. Their little kitty balls were getting so big that Banksy was starting to walk a bit cockeyed [ey, ey 
]. The boys were hitting puberty, and with their Bar Mitzvahs right around the corner, kitty circumcision was necessary.
We had one incident where a stray cat came up to our front door, and both our kittens went nuts [ey, ey ], growling and poofing up and hissing at the door (and each other). This went on for quite some time, and as much as I LOVE WHEN CATS GET POOFY, I was scared they would start spraying the house [ew]. ALPHA CAT DOMINANCE!
As a parent, you just know when your children have come to a turning point in their lives. One minute, they’re these teeny little fluff balls, and the next moment, their teeny little fluff balls are being cut off.
We set out the kitty carrier the night before, and both cats promptly crawled inside and fell asleep. Little did they know they were sleeping in the vehicle of their manly doom. I spent the night immersed in stacks of cat books and doing research online so I was well-versed in every detail of neutering, from a psychological to physiological level. If you’re going to be a crazy cat lady, you have to know your ‘ish, nahhmean?
[Poor Fenton! They weren’t allowed to eat after 10 p.m., and he’s our little fatty man. He was very confused why food was not forthcoming, even when he did his Puss in Boots eyes at us.]
The next morning we woke up bright and early. The little furry men hopped into their carrier, so trusting. So naive. So full of hope and dreams and potential to spawn thousands of litters of kittehs. [but not for long!]
I was more concerned than they seemed to be. Note Banksy, rolling around on his back in the carrier, purring his head off. [weirdo]
We had to leave them at the clinic, and I spent the next 8 hours biting my already short nails [because I’m a good lesbian and I keep my claws vagina-friendly…eyyyyy ] and pacing the house.
It was an intense day.
We finally got to go pick them up, and the nurse comes outside to deliver our little troopers. She said, “I just have to tell you, they are the sweetest, friendliest, cutest cats EVER! They completely made my day. I fell in love!”
‘Atta, boys! Swooning the ladies, like yer mamas taught you.
The poor little guys. They were super drugged, and pretty much narcoleptic-ed out immediately upon arrival.
Little kitty tongue!!!!!! Omgahhhhhh!
After a few hours they started waking up, but they looked like this:
And I’m pretty sure all they saw was this:
Soon enough, the whole ordeal was over. The cats are back to normal, being the wonderful, cuddly, playful, adorable, nap-happy, purr buckets of love that they are.
Gosh, parenting is hard, but so rewarding. [right, Mom?!]
x x
