Posts tagged kittens

You guys, you guys, you guys!!!! I’m SO excited!

Okay, check it. So one of my goals for 2013 was to book more shows and more venues, especially to be able to do more classic, high-glamour burlesque shows. At Rev, we have to keep it modern and neo-burlesque, high-energy and the right fit for a club atmosphere. You can’t throw down some slow, sexy, silky bump ‘n grind at midnight in the middle of a packed house at a club. It just doesn’t work and it messes with the vibe of the night. So we have to tailor our numbers to fit that kind of energy.

But I have been wanting to bust out my high glam numbers, the ones during which I wear floor-length sequined gowns and have feathers in my hair and everything sparkles. I want to shimmy and shake and drip slow like honey. I want to be able to do the kind of numbers that tease like crazy and bring on the dazzle.

The key was finding the right venue, one where just a simple show, without go-go dancing, would be on the menu. And I’ve had my eye on a particular venue downtown for a while now.

Allow me to introduce you to NV Art Bar.

This skinny little venue features three floors of old-school lounge style, exposed brick, totally gorgeous intimate space. The third floor [not picture] and roof area are a [newly opened] speakeasy, while the bottom two floors are an art gallery/lounge/bar. LE SIGH!

And you guys! [yep, you probably already guessed it but…] It is officially confirmed: NV ART BAR is now home to Les Vixens Burlesque the first Thursday of EVERY MONTH!

::commence intense happy dancing that may or may not involve running around my house, naked as a jay bird, freaking out my cats::

Our opening night will be February 7th. Three burlesqueteers performing each night. We will do two shows, one at 10 p.m. and the second at 11 p.m. The first show at 10 will be in the speakeasy on the third floor, and will feature our more classic, ritzy-glitzy bump ‘n grind numbers. The 11 p.m. show will be on the first and second floors, up and down that gorgeous staircase, and we’ll kick it a bit more edgy in that set. [Still glam, but rockin’ that newfangled music the kids are listening to these days.]

Okay, now that we’ve all died from the excitement and then were reincarnated as ourselves (but slightly better!), let’s just say I’m very, very excited. 2013 - you may not have started off in the best way for a lot of people (me included), but you’re starting to redeem yourself here. :)

So if you’re in the area on the first Thursday of every month, swing by and grab a drink, watch the show, and remember that I ran around my house naked because of this moment you are now experiencing. ;)

xx

p.s. I’m going to be having another round of auditions coming up in February. I’m also looking to hire a stage kitten. A stage kitten is a gal who might not be ready to do a full-on show yet, but who loves the atmosphere, the style of burlesque, and wants to learn the ropes. She’d help us backstage, and also help collect our drag droppings ;) after our performances. My bestie Mollie suggested that I just simply train an actual kitten to do the job, but A.) kittens + feather boas = attack mode. and B.) the kitten would end up stealing the show, obviously. Or would distract ME too much to even do a show.

[OMGGGG IT’S WITTLE BABY FENTON!]

See? This post script should have ended by now, but nope, I’m still talking about cats.

So yeah! I need a human stage kitten. Just an FYI, if you’re interested. ;)

Bye!

…among other things. ;)

So it happened.

Last week our little baby boys had to get their manhood removed. Their little kitty balls were getting so big that Banksy was starting to walk a bit cockeyed [ey, ey ]. The boys were hitting puberty, and with their Bar Mitzvahs right around the corner, kitty circumcision was necessary.

We had one incident where a stray cat came up to our front door, and both our kittens went nuts [ey, ey ], growling and poofing up and hissing at the door (and each other). This went on for quite some time, and as much as I LOVE WHEN CATS GET POOFY, I was scared they would start spraying the house [ew]. ALPHA CAT DOMINANCE!

As a parent, you just know when your children have come to a turning point in their lives. One minute, they’re these teeny little fluff balls, and the next moment, their teeny little fluff balls are being cut off. 

We set out the kitty carrier the night before, and both cats promptly crawled inside and fell asleep. Little did they know they were sleeping in the vehicle of their manly doom. I spent the night immersed in stacks of cat books and doing research online so I was well-versed in every detail of neutering, from a psychological to physiological level. If you’re going to be a crazy cat lady, you have to know your ‘ish, nahhmean?

[Poor Fenton! They weren’t allowed to eat after 10 p.m., and he’s our little fatty man. He was very confused why food was not forthcoming, even when he did his Puss in Boots eyes at us.]

The next morning we woke up bright and early. The little furry men hopped into their carrier, so trusting. So naive. So full of hope and dreams and potential to spawn thousands of litters of kittehs. [but not for long!]

I was more concerned than they seemed to be. Note Banksy, rolling around on his back in the carrier, purring his head off. [weirdo]

We had to leave them at the clinic, and I spent the next 8 hours biting my already short nails [because I’m a good lesbian and I keep my claws vagina-friendly…eyyyyy ] and pacing the house.

It was an intense day.

We finally got to go pick them up, and the nurse comes outside to deliver our little troopers. She said, “I just have to tell you, they are the sweetest, friendliest, cutest cats EVER! They completely made my day. I fell in love!”

‘Atta, boys! Swooning the ladies, like yer mamas taught you.

The poor little guys. They were super drugged, and pretty much narcoleptic-ed out immediately upon arrival.

Little kitty tongue!!!!!! Omgahhhhhh!

After a few hours they started waking up, but they looked like this:

And I’m pretty sure all they saw was this:

Soon enough, the whole ordeal was over. The cats are back to normal, being the wonderful, cuddly, playful, adorable, nap-happy, purr buckets of love that they are.

Gosh, parenting is hard, but so rewarding. [right, Mom?!]

x x

No rest for the sleepy unicorn!

Pensacola Pride: check!

We arrived home late Monday night after Pensacola Pride, and endured some love attacks from the kittens and a bit of sleep (unpacking will have to wait…a few weeks….).

The next morning I headed off to Macy’s for the Gay Days kick-off party! I got body painted to represent for Revolution, my make-up done at MAC, and modeled that fabulous bikini (that I got to keep! Thanks, Macy’s!).

After wandering around the mall in a bikini as a walking billboard, I took the rest of the night off to go dance (fully-clothed!) with some of my gems to celebrate my bestie, Mollie’s, birthday!!

Now, Mollie is a librarian. She loves cats as much as I do. She’s into DIY and baking. But this girl can throw down & kick up her heels! So off to Grits & Gravy at Ibar we went, to boogie to some old school tunes, have some shots (mine was just straight pineapple juice, because I’m a badass like that), and welcome another year for this incredible lady!

Throwing up ovary gang signs. Hahaha

It was a lovely night, indeed!

Next up on the agenda was Ana Mosity’s wedding!! She called me to chat about the deets, and at one point, she said, “Now, I only have four bridal bouquets, so I guess we’ll have to do shortest straw to see who has to be the flower girl.”

I responded with: “Excuse me, but fuck that. I AM THE MOTHER FUCKING FLOWER GIRL. Discussion closed.”

Shocked at my vulgar language and vehemence, she just stuttered an, “uhh…okay?” and the conversation continued as normal. You see, I have always wanted to be a flower girl. But once I hit my awkward years (age 8, maybe), I realized that dream would have to die, to be replaced by lanky appendages and tampons.

When the opportunity presented itself for that dream to be revived, like a phoenix rising majestically from the ashes, a primal instinct took over to claim my birthright.

She gave everyone in the wedding party a color, and we had to get our own dress, so I just figured I’d I’d whip something up that I could wear again.

Ana Mosity looked absolutely beautiful.

And I was the best mother fuckin’ flower girl in the history of ever!

DON’T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS, KIDS! You, too, can frolick like the 25-year-old weirdo that you are!

After my dream become true moment, I had to haul ass back to Orlando to get to Rev on time for Thursday College Night Gay Days extravaganza go-go dancing! The crowd was pretty much just all fabulous gay boys, but this lil’ lesbian ended up impressing them with my bedazzled outfit and my “Omg! You’re totally like Britney! But 2006 Britney…” dance moves. ;)

I even had one gentleman come up to me and say, “I am probably the oldest, gayest, fattest guy in this room…but watching you dance makes me feel like the youngest, straightest, hottest guy ever! Thank you so much for just being you. You made tonight totally worth it!”

The next day I was at the Girls at Gay Days pool party…but it got rained out. Sad trombones! [Sunshine State my ass!] I made up for it Saturday, when me and my girls partied hard with Rose & Romi from the Real L Word at the pool party.

It was hot, sweaty, wet & an all-around good time! Oh, and I saw Romi’s boobs. Like, full-frontal boobie action. I’m not into Romi (like, at all.), but I appreciate boobies [of all shapes & sizes], and hers weren’t bad. Not bad at all.

After the pool party, I went home and inspected my fishnet tan lines (dammit, SPF 100! I ask you to keep me pale, and look what you do! Plaid legs.) and then prepared myself for the insanity that was to be Rev!

It was wall-to-wall packed, with girls of every color, shape, size, and level of inebriation. We put on one helluva show, if I do say so myself, and Rose from the Real L Word got a taste of how crazy Orlando girls can get. ;)

The Bunny wanted to go all South East Londoner on her ass, but it was all just in good fun. Plus, Rose is SO not my type. I like swag, but cocky? Not so much. [and honestly, this is going to sound so gay, but ever since meeting the Bunny, I can’t find anyone else attractive. At all. I can’t even TELL if someone is attractive or not. But you know what? I wouldn’t want it any other way. Being 100% with someone is probably the best feeling in the entire world.]

Okay, enough sappy sh*t. The party was ridiculous, and we went hard from start to finish. And yes, glory hallelujah, praise Baby Jesus! Gay Days made it rain! 

And a good thing, too, because I have hungry kitty mouths to feed [and soon, kitty man-balls to be cut off!]

I hope you enjoyed this little peek into my Gay Days weekend. :) It was wild!

Coming soon…princess adventures!

Till then, lovers!

xx

Too bad I don’t have the cash money flow for that expensive taste. ;)

But…

Except…

So you know I love sweating it out on stage, but not in my car. My AC hasn’t been working for a while now, but it’s been lovely weather up until about a month ago, so I just now got around to taking my little Honda to the dealership for a “simple recharge”.

It ended up being a bit more complicated than that, and when they told me how much it was going to cost, I almost started to cry. (yeah, I was THAT girl - but yeah, it was THAT much.) Luckily, I am a lesbian and know dykes who know cars and I found a decent mechanic who will do it for hundreds of dollars less than the dealership. Hooray!

Unfortunately…it’s still going to cost me my entire financial cushion. Yikes. But I guess living an unconventional, performance artist-for-hire, never-have-to-go-to-an-office lifestyle has its drawbacks, such as living on the financial edge. ;)

(Oh, did I mention I spoil our kittens and just paid $300 for their own little tune-ups?)

So I guess I’ll have to trade in expensive tastes for simple tastes. [but good thing they’re pretty much equal to me.]

And hey, at least I will arrive at my destination sans sweat. [not cute]

Other than DYING every time I get into my car, life has been pretty much the usual. Which isn’t usual for anyone but me, I guess.

Let’s start with the Nerd.

I sent in my article for that internationally-distributed indie art, culture, and music magazine I told you about, and THEY LOVED IT! Hooray! Not only that, but they asked me if I’d be interested in contributing other articles, ranging from travel to art to music and so on. So after I stopped fist-pumping the air and trying to get my cats to high-five me, I wrote them back and told them I’d be thrilled. [It’s been a not-so-secret dream of mine to write for cool magazines. This is step one to fulfilling that dream! Huzzah!]

In other news, I’m also starting a business with my good friend and mentor, Jim. It’s A LOT of work, and won’t pay us anything until we actually launch (in early September), so until then, I’m having to find time to fit in working on it in between stuff that’s actually making mama some money. But it’s really exciting to have found a path that is satisfying, both to me personally and financially. I’ll tell you guys all about…another time. ;) [ohhh, anticipation!]

I’m writing every single day, every single week, for all kinds of different clients. It’s pretty rad, actually, to be freelancing to the point where some days I feel slightly overwhelmed. And ONE DAY my writing will be making me the big bucks instead of the petite bucks. ;)

After working all week, you know what was really, really nice [and verging on totally badass]? Getting to see my friends. This weekend I got to have dinner with a few of my besties:

Now, the lovely lady in the top right of this photo, Miss Mollie, is as big a cat lover as I am. And she is the one who will be entrusted with the care and love of our kittens when we are out of town. The lovely lady in the lower left of this photo is the ninja, Laura. Laura loves cats. But Laura is violently allergic to them. SAD TROMBONES! I used to forget this, and try to get her to cuddle cats.

Oops! Another side effect of being allergic to cats (aside from hives and not being able to breathe) is that people tend to think Laura doesn’t like cats. Which isn’t true in the least, but it’s a cruel trick played by the gods. Even I sometimes forget that she, in fact likes them. Laura has been wanting to meet the boys since we got them, and because she knows how big a deal it is to me to have cats, she drugged herself with serious allergy medication and ventured inside our kitten-invested home. Once inside, the cutest thing EVER happened: Laura produced from behind her back several brightly colored kitty toys for her nephews! OMG I DIED. CUTEST. THING. EVER. [second only to watching the boys play with aforementioned brightly colored kitty toys.]

It was really good to see my friends. :)

And to add to the good times, the Bunny & I had a double-date lunch soiree with this adorable couple:

Complete with ridiculously decadent cheesecake [it was a Sunday, and Sunday means that ridiculously decadent desserts are always felicitous <sounds dirty, eh? ;)]

Nom.

Oh, and I don’t know if this fits under the NERD update, but my mom totally got me an online subscription to YogaGlo.com, and I am STOKED! It has about a zillion yoga videos, divided into categories from style to duration to level. I am so happy!! Or zen. Or something.

When I’m not hanging out at Starbucks, glued to my laptop, or devouring some noms with my besties, I’ve been at the castle, hanging with wenches and being all royal [and taking iPhone photos in our oh, so Medieval locker room]. 

Oh, and guess what?! Every 4 1/2 to 5 years, Medieval Times puts in a new show. New lines, new story, new characters, new costumes, new fights, new games…you get the picture. So it’s about that time again, and I got my new script.

First, I find it crazy that I’ve been there for two shows and this will be my third. It’s been more than 9 years of princessing. That’s about a third of my life, people! Crazy town village. (eyyyyy, a bit of Medieval humor for ya there!)

I’ve been Princess Esperanza:

I’m currently Princess Leonore:

And next month will start my life as Princess Catalina. [I’ll take pictures of my new costume when I get it! yay!] My lines are just as ridiculous as they’ve been in other shows (Gentle nobles! and Beware, my love, beware! and I have had the finest fare in all the kingdom prepared for our guests! and shizz like that), and we’re starting to have rehearsals. Learning the new lines is almost starting to eff up my lines now, so the shows I’ve been doing have taken a lot more concentration so I don’t start mixing & matching!

And I recently found out something that made me feel pretty great (and run to tell my mom!). In the 9+ years I’ve worked at Medieval Times, I’ve never, ever had a customer complaint (about my performance, voice clarity, characterization, customer interaction, etc.). Not once. Someone who has been with us for many years just got fired for accruing several customer complaints over the course of his employment at the castle, so customer complaints are kind of a big deal. Go me! (I especially feel good about this because I have a slight lisp sometimes and I’m hyper-aware of it, hoping that the audience doesn’t detect it. I. Enunciate. Everything. haha)

Seeing that speech impediments are TOTES sexy, it makes an excellent segue into the sexy side of my life. Ivy has been making costumes, rehearsing, putting on shows, and sweating her booty off go-go dancing.

…and getting ready for PENSACOLA PRIDE! Which is right around the corner. [I still have my strong opinions about some things concerning certain aspects of this year’s event, but yay for having the Bunny. I share my views and my thoughts, and shocker! They actually stay with her. It’s amazing to have such a wonderful confidant who I can trust wholly. It’s a rare thing to have, as I’m finding out.]

But I’m more than excited about Unleashed: Pensacola Pride! And I keep forgetting that Memorial Weekend is actually a something outside of Pride. I keep seeing events for Memorial Weekend and I get confused. Like wait…this weekend ISN’T just for ten thousands gay people to get together to party and play? Weird.

The Bunny has unleashed her inner Martha Stewart and has been helping me make costumes. I come home and half my closet has been updated! She’s surprisingly good at it, too, especially considering the fact that she is a self-proclaimed failure at DIY. We’ve made some pretty wicked stuff lately, and I can’t wait to debut new outfits in Pensacola!

Oh, and the kitties have been “helping”.

Obviously.

So life is grand! My AC will be fixed [and thus defeating the HULK EVEY SMASH that happens when I get cranky from being sweaty and hot and gross in my car], good times will be had, money will be made, dance moves will be busted, and I’m doing it all with love.

Lots of it to you!

xoxo

As a go-go dancer and burlesque entertainer going on a 7-year-long career, I have a lot of costumes and, well, stuff.

I NEED organization and my BurlyQ closet has gotten pretty messy lately [yikes!]. Probably because I’ve been doing several shows and performances, plus planning for upcoming events, but it’s been driving me a bit crazy. So the Bunny (she’s a saint!) and I started our mission to clean and organize the mess.

[this isn’t even HALF of what we’ve organized.]

Don’t worry, I don’t wear animal fur. Fenton just likes to be around fabulous things, like multi-colored fishnets.

You guys, I feel like the Martha Stewart of the burlesque closet organizational world. Oh, I also did about 8 loads of laundry. It. Feels. Glorious!

Wow. I am such a riot. Getting excited over organizing closets and doing laundry?? You people can’t even handle the kind of thrill wave of fun I am. [I also get excited about groceries and having no dishes in the sink. Hang on to your panties, ladies! This girl is wild!]

But let me tell you, the past few shows I’ve done have been a breeze to pack for! Usually I start sweating before I even make it to the club because I’m going crazy trying to dig through stuff, and pack, and holy baby Jesus in a jam jar, where is that one pair of ruffly bum panties?!??

Not so anymore! Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and it’s off to WERK! ;)  [I just have to deal with kittens running off with my sparkly bra…no, seriously.]

^from my show at Lakeland Pulse.

And these are from Saturday night at Rev.

Aside from peeling, revealing, shakin’ & shimmying, I’ve been getting down with my laptop…and my thesaurus. [Groceries, organizing, and synonyms…mmm sexy.] My writing workload is still heavy and steady and deadlines are wicked little creatures that seem to never go away. [I’m not complaining. I love it!]

But sometimes I clear the desk and go play. Like taking a lovely little trip to the beach with the Bunny, and our friends Led, Eden & Maia. :)

We’ve got mad skillz, yo.

^ With Maia, our lovely friend and capturer of handstands. ;)

Oh, what’s that you say? You don’t care about any of this and you want to know about the important stuff: THE KITTENS! You want to know how the kittens are doing? Well, I’ve had to delete several grammatically incorrect sentences they keep typing as they decide to walk across/lay on top of my laptop. Other than that, they’re THE BEST THINGS EVER! 

To be honest, my life is pretty much just kittens. Here’s a visual journey of life:

Banksy loves my crazy cat lady bag. He and I are the only ones.

Look at his feet making a little heart!! ^^^^ <3 <3 <3

Dat ass. Kittens love dat ass.

 My morning wake up is Fenton cuddling under the covers.

Bathtub cuddling!

Hope you’re having a wonderful week, lovelies!

xx

p.s. Thursday night at Revolution! I’ll be go-go dancing all night. It’s the first time I’ll get to dance to DJ Ants (Adam Brenner), even though I’ve wanted to for about three years now. So, yeah, I’m going to whip it real hard. #excited!

<3

Among other fabulous things! [don’t hate me for loving alliteration. I am, afterall, a nerd.]

I was about to say that life has been pretty busy - but that would be redundant. I don’t think I’ve stopped being busy since I hit puberty.

But what I’ve been doing the past week or so:

I’ve been having some serious meetings with Tommy the Dog.

Or rather, I’ve been having serious meetings with Tommy’s owner dad, my mentor and friend Jim. We’ve got some big plans in the works, so scheming is good times with this man (and his pup).

And like I’ve been doing every week for nine years, I spent some days adventuring at the castle, princessing and hanging out with some of my favorites. Like Victor. :)

Victor said he really likes the .gifs I’ve been using on my blog. So he is now a .gif himself!

The Bunny & I got to enjoy some food trucks this past week. We were starving! But didn’t see anything that struck our fancy; except cupcakes! Which, of course, eating several cupcakes on an empty stomach…well..it’s a good idea while you’re chowing down, but then I definitely felt ill. Here’s a picture of me, pre-feeling-gross and in the middle of feeling totally awesome. [that cupcake didn’t stand a chance.]

The Bunny couldn’t focus because she kept looking at a British pub right next door.

So we ventured off to the British pub for a spell, and finally ended up downtown for Mexican food, and then at iBar for a bit of dancing sitting downstairs, watching pro wrestling.

::insert a logical transition here::

The next day I got to spend some time with my bestie Mollie. She and her manbeast Ryan are engaged (!!!!), and I couldn’t be happier. He is pretty much the ONLY guy in the entire world who I’d approve of for Mollie.

Totes adorable. I’m a super girlie girl, but I was never much into weddings. That is, until Mollie got engaged. Now, I’m lurking wedding blogs, tearing out pictures in magazines, and sending Mollie everything I find with notes like, “Possibly for the reception??” or “Blue & violet are a FABULOUS color combo…IF you do it right!”. So basically, I am a gay man now.

Speaking of, I’ve been finishing decorating our little place. With gems like this:

In the bedroom. It’s all about the romance - and David Bowie.

And speaking of romance, the Bunny and I finally used our fireplace! [in April. In Florida.] We used it for the only thing a fireplace is worth using in Florida in April: S’MORES!

Nom nom nom!

And thank baby Jesus I had a weekend full of gigs to dance off those chocolatey, graham crackery, marshmallowy pieces of sticky heaven(y).

Revolution held a massive carnival Thursday night to raise money for charity, and to celebrate Neema’s birthday. He’s one of the craziest b*tches I’ve ever met, and it was fun to dance among bouncy houses and stilt walkers.

That is…

until my shoes broke.

I tend to dance my shoes to death, and another pair bites the dust. ::sad trombones::

Good thing I have duct tape and a few pairs left in my burlyQ closet that I can still dance in, because I had a show on Friday at the Cold Keg in Melbourne.

And another show on Saturday at Revolution.

Busy burlesqueteer!

Sunday, as you know, we got KITTENS! So I’ve been reading up:

Best book ever. :)

Oh, and in case you were wanting more pictures of the kittens, here ya go!

And here is Fenton, helping me work. By which I mean, making it impossible for me to get any work done at all.

So yeah, life is awesome. Except I’ll probably never leave my house again, thanks to these little muffins of adorableness [and the fact that I got them a laser pointer and OMG IT’S THE MOST FUN EVER!!]

See you when they come in to film my episode of Hoarders!

xx